Puttering Around: The Masters Fake Bets

 DISCLAIMER: I just copy/pasted my intro from my actual predictions and didn’t feel like changing the information, so just know that these are fictional bets I created to preview the Masters, so don’t dial up your bookie and ask to wager on the number of flowers in full bloom

Following months of anticipation, The Masters has returned, with fans patrons coming back to the hallowed grounds we call Augusta National. It was the most recent major, changing course while remaining at the iconic course and hosting the quest for a green jacket in November. Dustin Johnson ran away with the trophy in 2020, but this year’s field looks to be deeper than a philosophy lesson courtesy of Bryson DeChambeau. Prepare your egg salad sandwiches. Prepare Ray Charles’ “Georgia On My Mind” for your Spotify playlist. Prepare to put on any article of clothing with a shade of green on it. Sit back, watch the totally real birds chirp, take in one of the most beautiful places on Earth, and relax as hundreds of players duke it out for a life-changing windbreaker. No pressure or anything!  With the marriage of relaxation and pressure comes The Masters, where a man will score one of his greatest achievements in his life. With that in mind, let’s get into some one run-on sentence predictions!

All odds courtesy of me

Jordan Spieth to win the 2021 Valero Texas Open (+1000)

This was a real bet, but since it happened last week, you can’t actually bet it. Therefore, it shall be deemed a fictional bet. After 3.5 years of waiting since Spieth’s last win, at the British Open Open Championship (please read that in a snobby British accent) at Royal Insert Word That Makes You Envision Bothersome Snoot Telling You About Their Trip To The Links, he finally has won again, at the Valero Texas Open, or as we in the know call it, the 43rd major. Spieth didn’t overcome a stacked field, operating as the betting favorite after Dustin Johnson dropped out to perfect his menu for the Champions Dinner, but he did win a PGA Tour event with a number of skilled pros nipping at his heels, and ones who were trying to make The Masters with a win at that. If you thought soccer moms trying to get their hands on the hottest Christmas toy were scary, try a golfer trying to make it to Augusta. (Never mind. Soccer mom at store trumps all) Every club looked right for Jordan, from the irons to the putter, and even a driver he had slumps with during a 2021 which goes in Merriam-Webster (does Merriam-Webster do thesauruses/thesauri/plural of thesaurus?) as an antonym of slump. A few weeks ago, during my recap of the Arnold Palmer Invitational, I suggested Spieth’s devout Christianity meant that in solidarity with God and the day off known as Sunday, for church and relaxation, Jordan would take off Sundays as well. So, what better day than Easter, one of the biggest days of celebration on the Christian calendar, to make his dramatic return to golf’s winners’ circle? With a win, the hype train has turned into a Japanese light rail in terms of speed and momentum. We’ll see if Spieth can place high at a course that has lifted his heart up to his throat, and crushed it down to his shoes.

Dustin Johnson to serve a tasty meal at the Champions Dinner (-200)

It’s tough to select what the golfiest thing about golf is. Is it the strange jumpsuits caddies wear at The Masters which make them look like a cross between janitors and 80s singers? Is it the fact that in the Ryder Cup & Presidents Cup, teams have captains who are admittedly worse at golf than many of their counterparts to honor an amazing career? Another nominee that has to come to mind is the Champions Dinner. As Jessmark Zuckeisenberg pointed out in The Social Network, one of the most attractive things about their site, The Facebook (after typing those words, I would like to reserve my spot in a senior home), is the exclusivity and prestige of meeting fellow students at Harvard. A similar concept applies to the University of Augusta’s meal between valedictorians. It wouldn’t be special if I could attend and bother Vijay Singh about why he’s so good at golf. The closed-door, private, unique nature of the dinner makes it unforgettable. And Dustin Johnson is serving pigs in a blanket. Many traditionalists that may or may not have been conjured up by my hippocampus GASPED. Fortunately for these furious men and women of straw, A. Good news, you don’t actually exist! And B. It is the fanciest pigs in a blanket since a farmer insisted his shivering hogs get an all-cotton quilt. Don’t worry - he has the lobster, filet mignon, and sea bass too. In terms of on course performance, DJ proved he can win at Augusta after November’s performance. In the customary April conditions, with a stacked field, can he excel?

Chris Vernon’s Masters Update to be PHENOMENAL (-2000000000)

Less reading. More watching.

Everything about it is perfect, from the random, unexplained animals dancing in the background, to the dance moves from bee, dog, and man alike, to his hilarious lyrics.

What does Verno have in store for this year?

Over/Under 900.217 flowers in full bloom

The azaleas are back. The dogwoods (flower, not canine erection) are back. I’m not a huge flowers guy. When I was a wee lad, and my father would tell me to sniff a flower, I would smell it like a dog slobbering and a diver going up for a last breath of air all at once. Nevertheless, there is no denying the beauty of the flowers. Watching the plants play background to the green as grass (I’d hope, since they’re made of grass) fairways can be described as nothing short of breathtaking. One flower will not be in attendance this year. One Rickie Flower, as an announcer mistakenly referred to him as, could not qualify for the drive down Magnolia Lane. After Jordan Spieth’s meteoric re-rise since his outstanding day at the Waste Management Open (not a coincidence that the best tournament on tour triggered this), I will always have optimism for a young star still in his prime, with some hiccups. It’s no guarantee, but in the PGA, all you need is ONE mind-blowing week, and you’re back. Given Rickie’s natural ability, that is not even close to out of the question. 

Over/Under 0.5 Bryson DeChambeau 500 yard drives

Over/Under 300.5 Bryson shots in a minute

Over/Under 0.43 (let’s spruce up the decimal) Bryson DeChambeau 46 yard drives to the practice green

BONUS BRYSON BET FOR PREMIUM SUBSCRIBERS: Par Over/Under 69.5 At Augusta

Bryson DeChambeau is an entertainer. I am entertained. There are so many amazing Bryson moments. Whether you like the guy or not, you can’t help but guffaw at his antics. The look, with the stupid cap. The name. The over-the-top tomfoolery, yet things he actually believes. It all adds up to Shooter McGavin. Happy Gilmore engineered a villain who was too over-the-top to be imitated. Yet, somehow, through a feat of superhuman strength, Bryson DeChambeau has done the impossible, and through anthill rants, sponsor schmoozing, selling NFTs, underestimating one of the toughest golf courses on earth, and firing a bunch of drives rapidly for no apparent reason, the Beefster has stepped on even ground with the Christopher McDonald character. Can he achieve the impossible again and win The Masters? The course certainly doesn’t work well with his strengths, not giving out green-reading books, giving an advantage to players who can drive like Bryson can, or cutting a super deep rough, where DeChambeau’s strength separates itself from the rest of the field. Yet, by sheer talent, not just off the tee, but on the approach and the green, he can make more noise than his 2020 dud. So, that’s a long way of saying, I think he could win, or he might not.

Tony Finau, Lee Westwood, or Xander Schauffle to be First Runner-Up (-1000)

This trifecta could move out to Las Vegas, quit golf, and make their living planning bachelorette parties with the consistent bridesmaids, and never brides, that they are. This season, they have 7 second place finishes, 10 Top 5s, and a grand total of zero wins. Westwood alone has EIGHT finishes in the Top 3 of a major, but none in first. Schauffle, in his short career, has five Top 5s at the Big 4 tourneys, without the elusive win. Finau, in a mere 6 years of major competition has 8 Top 10s at the British, US, PGA, and Masters, and doesn’t even have more than a 2016 Puerto Rico Open trophy to show for it. All three have finishes of 5th or better at this hallowed ground, with 2 of the 3 boasting finishes a person much less considerate than myself would call “First Loser.” (Glad we avoided using such a derogatory term) Finau and Westwood have had their up and downs, both grabbing consecutive second place finishes, but currently lie in the bunker. Schauffle has sleepwalked into The Masters, but has a real shot. Xander has a definite chance to get over the hump and slap his name, at least for the next 2 weeks (ah, who am I kidding. 2 days), on the title of Biggest Young Gun on tour, as he prepares for a US Open in his hometown of San Diego. Finau and Westwood hold slim chances of winning, but knowing them having watched them play golf, they will find a way to appear on the most iconic leaderboard in golf.

CT Pan to be Top Taiwanese Player (-800)

Given that he’s the only Taiwanese man chasing the jacket, I think you have a pretty good chance. Not sure what moron put together these odds though. Couldn’t have been me.

Jim Nantz to cry on air (+500)

This is a durable prop because I can see it occurring multiple ways. Since before I entered the world, Nantz has a professional demeanor about him that he rarely strays from. Yes, he jokes, but rarely does he curse on camera or mutter about how unfortunate it is that he had Gonzaga -4.5 in the National Championship. Jim’s rep isn’t just a pro’s pro. Not even a pro’s pro’s pro. He’s a pro’s pro’s pro’s pro’s I’m going to stop this because I’m getting motion sickness pro. This year, I think we could finally get the Jim Nantz rage/sadness/emotion. In the Final Four, he saw his Houston Cougars SHELLACKED by Baylor. This week, he will likely witness his old pal and college roommate Fred Couples get whooped. That could be his breaking point. Or, we could skew the other way, and weep with joy. After an (obligatory UNPRECEDENTED) year of uncertainty, Nantz hasn’t gotten to see his favorite events at their best. Now, after approximately two months of seeing fans celebrate the Super Bowl, Final Four, and Masters, will Nantz take an emotional moment to appreciate the spectacular sports we’ve witnessed? Cry or not, Nantz will have his usual legendary call in store for us as the drama unfolds.

Jon Rahm’s son coming out on 18 and sinking a gimme to win (+1000)

Rahm’s wife gave birth last week. Now, Jon attends The Masters. Some people think he’ll do well. Others think he won’t.

That’s all the context you need. Just visualize it in your head.

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I can’t wait for this tournament. If you’re still here after reading me compare Bryson DeChambeau to Shooter McGavin, thank you. Now, log off this stupid blog. Grab an egg salad sandwich. Consider how cool you’d look in a green jacket. Get overly worked up about the Smithstache/Cammullet, if he’s in the mix on Sunday. Enjoy The Masters.