Puttering Around: Arnold Palmer Invitational Recap

 Spectacle Of The Week: Bryson DeChambeau

In all sports, many athletes cannot be identified on the street by random observers as virtuosos of sports. If you put Nathan Peterman and Patrick Mahomes in an enchanted cage together, and many analysts, without knowing their aptitude for throwing a football. (Scouts would likely trend towards Peterman, and his advantage of 5/8ths of an inch in the hand size department) This rings especially true in golf, where spectators cannot utilize an eye test, just looking at the golfer, to deduce if Tiger Woods or Jim Bob from accounting is a better putter. Even on the driving range, bombers like Rory McIlroy are not Straight Outta Central Casting (NWA’s hit sequel album) for dudes who can bash a small ball with dimples over 320 feet into the sunset.

There is one exception to this rule, and his name is Bryson DeChambeau. You don’t need to watch Hole 10s on Thursdays to comprehend his style. You don’t need to fret over Sunday Hole 18s. Don’t even give the drive of the year a click. (On second thought, do watch that. It’s AWESOME) Just look at him, in comparison to every other man on the tour. The #3 player in the world could be answering your ESPN+ password reset request. I wouldn’t be surprised if you ran into 2020 green jacket winner and World Golf Rankings #1 Dustin Johnson devouring a helping of avocado toast. From his signature cap (which he inexplicably perceived as fashionable at age 13?!) to his muscles larger than Muggsy Bogues’ body, DeChambeau is an overused cliche: a one of one.

I could go on and on about the weird things about Bryson. Today, I’ll leave you with one: he studied a great deal of algebra as a grade schooler. I’m 90% sure he concocted this as part of his “Mad Scientist” persona, but I like the other version more. After all, who would confirm its verity - his third grade teacher, who could easily be bribed with a decimal share of his winnings? Again, I prefer the image of 10 year old Bryson DeChambeau burying his nose in a college math textbook held in one hand, weights in the other, and in his mouth, a straw broaching a protein shake. It’s truly amazing how on the PGA Tour, Bryson manages to cover both the Anthony Michael Hall and Emilio Estevez roles in The Breakfast Club, playing both nerd and jock.

This weekend, DeChambeau put it all on display. Last week, at The Concession, I swooned over his ability on the greens. Driving was, and will always be, the centerpiece for Bryson. Once again, he did not falter on the green, ranking 21st in strokes gained putting at the API. If Bryson can keep those putting numbers in that Top 25 region, the result isn’t too far off from the image of Shaq shooting 90% from the free throw line. It wasn’t just knocking the easy ones in - it was preposterous putts like this one. His strategy for Hole #18 was also intriguing. After Lee Westwood, behind one stroke, missed his putt for birdie, DeChambeau knew victory was his as long as he made par. Yet, on his birdie shot, he WENT for it, instead of a conservative shot a foot from the hole, and it nearly found the cup, but wound up going too far away for comfort. Probably not an ideal risk, but it didn’t matter, as Bryson sealed the deal on the successive putt.

Of course, the Arnold Palmer Invitational did not pass without a dose of Bryson’s theatrics. Late in the afternoon on Sunday, he wailed about a sprinkler head that did not affect his stroke, licensing him to take relief and obtain better position. Then, after fastening shut his victory at the Arnold Palmer Invitational, he first did not thank his family, he first did not thank his friends, he first did not thank The King himself, but instead his sponsors. Many surmised that DeChambeau was paid by his promoters to do so, a disgusting attempt at more cash. A logical assumption, but with the Mad Scientist, all reasoning flies out the window quicker than Jimmy’s clock. I’m pretty sure Bryson just has a more emotional connection to Rolex and the checks they send than any person. 

Yeesh Award: Robert Gamez

Gamez was invited to the Arnold Palmer Invitational as a former champion, hitting a fabled shot in the history of the event, if not the game of golf, in 1990. You don’t need me telling you this, the abundance of social media 90s nostalgia threads can tell you, but that decade was a long time ago. Gamez is now 52, and needless to say, was not attaining eagles like a bird hunter. And that’s a bigger understatement than calling the Jazz a peculiar name for an NBA franchise representing Utah.

On Day 1, Bobby G (new nickname alert!) shot a 79. Not a score to toast with a Dairy Queen Blizzard, but most certainly a PGA level total. The aforementioned Jim Bob from accounting would run victory laps on Facebook for weeks, if not months, after tallying a sub-80. On Friday, Gamez shot a NINETY-TWO. His scorecard read 5 pars, 7 bogeys, 5 double bogeys, a triple bogey, and zero birdies. Yeesh. Jay Monahan, PGA Commissioner, if you receive thousands of emails from middle-aged country clubbers looking to join your ranks, because the pro circuit couldn’t be THAT hard, blame Mr. Gamez.

Mr. Any Day But Sunday: Jordan Spieth

I was excited as anyone when Jordan Spieth re-emerged on Super Bowl weekend at the esteemed Waste Management Open, where he shot an unfathomable -10 on Saturday for a share of the 54 hole lead. However, I still couldn’t claim my seat on the bandwagon, thinking it was just a crazy couple days. Other than that time I assumed Bill and Ted 3 would stink up the joint, I’ve never been happier to be wrong. Something clicked in Phoenix in February - after finishing T4 at TPC Scottsdale, Spieth has pieced together finishes tied for third and in a deadlock for 15th, before snagging another T4 at the API. Maybe the most exciting thing about Jordan is the volatility: on Saturday he hit long putts, aces, and chips from the bunker. Sunday, somebody removed the wheels from the bus, and such prayers were not going in.

Jordan Spieth’s Christian faith may be well documented, but unlike his fellow parishioners at their local church, he does not show up on Sunday. In fact, perhaps to respect his Christian upbringing, he phones it in on Sundays, just as God would want it. During this out of nowhere run, the former World #2 is shooting -44 on Thursday-Saturday, compared to +4 on Sundays. Consequently, there is only one solution. Spieth’s family, friends, caddy, and coaches owe this much to the winner of three majors. They need to pull a move similar to what Jim Halpert did to Dwight Schrute, convincing him it was Friday, when the day was Thursday. Instead, they must assure him that the calendar reads Saturday, when it’s actually Sunday. From purchasing different calendars to showing Spieth recordings of yesterday’s CBS News broadcast, his retinue must persuade his body clock to change the day of the week. The fourth anniversary of the Golden Child’s most recent win is arriving quicker than Kendall Jenner when she hears “NBA player.” Without altering his body calendar, he may be destined for more disappointing Sundays. With a change, Jordan Spieth can, no exaggeration, win all 4 majors over the course of a year. (OK, maybe a tiny bit of an exaggeration)

Mr. Do It All: Max Homa

No matter how hard the media shoves it down your throat, Max Homa’s story is still so cool. One day, he was fighting for his PGA Tour life. The next? An internet sensation. And now, in March 2021, Homa is a player you could suggest to win a major without getting laughed off social media. High praise. The Cal alumnus (if you didn’t see that one coming when you read “Max Homa,” that’s on you) walks onto every course an “Oh, don’t forget about that guy” candidate. 

Homa’s drive isn’t a place of note, ranking 39th in driving distance, worthy of neither a 0 star or 5 star review. After winning the Genesis Invitational in spite of poor distance, he has ranked first and fifth in distance off the tee. 2 of his last three starts have seen him rank Top 10 in strokes gained off the tee. Fine, I’ll say what we’re all thinking: Homa’s time at the driving ranges and links in Berkeley, California guided him to this triumph with a driver in his hands. After all, there must be a logical reason for such improvement, not some “hard work” or “student of the game” nonsense.

Putting is the other area of note for Max. At his win at Riviera, he finished behind only Z-Dub (Will Zalitoris, for the less informed of you) in putts per green in regulation. This week, he struck again, taking home the prestigious Most Strokes Gained Off The Tee At The 2021 Arnold Palmer Invitational At Bay Hill, Orlando, Florida, USA, North America, The Americas, The Western World, Earth, Terrestrial Planets, Solar System, Milky Way, This Universe, Elon Musk’s Computer Simulation. 

The question may remain the period in between driving and putting, where Homa has struggled, standing outside of the top 80 in strokes gained on the approach. However, Maximilian (It’s actually Maxwell but I prefer the name Maximilian) has proved his aptitude two of the most important skills in the game of golf. That’s a priority airmail package for a major.

OOSTHUIZEN Award: Jazz Janewattananond and Christian Bezuidenhout

It looked as though Oosthuizen would play last weekend at the API, in one final tune-up before the Players Championship. Judging by the somber tone of this section, you can infer about whether he teed off at Bay Hill. As the ever thoughtful, generous, kind Red Skull in Captain America: The First Avenger stated, “Cut off one head two more shall take its place.” Oosthuizen may have missed the tournament, but he’ll be back next week to capture the hearts of millions. In the meantime, I discovered TWO new “Name Guys.” One of them even played well.

You read their names at the top. If you’re interested in recalling, look to the right of “OOSTHUIZEN Award: __.” I’m not an idiot. (Scratch that. I’m an idiot in 99% of cases, but not here) I’m not retyping those names because you’re too lazy to scroll up a foot. As a result, we’ll refer to the two well-named golfers by their initials: JJ and CB. 

JJ, hailing from Thailand had an extremely mediocre round, making the cut but failing to stand out. The only impressive stat was a high clip of fairways hit, which seems to be relatively meaningless, with the top four golfers in the stat all lying outside the top 17 in overall placement. In solidarity with Jazz’s awesome name, I will mention his ace, and not his Sunday 84. Oops! However, we’ll cut Jazz plenty of slack. His name is Jazz. His surname has 15 letters. I’m not sure what more you want from life. Only a spoiled New Zealander, accustomed to the everyday 30 letter name, could take that for granted. The amount I would pay for JJ to win a tournament, have announcers butcher his name, and celebrate by playing saxophone, cannot be summed up in dollars.

CB garnered my immediate respect. First off, he originates from South Africa, same as Oosthuizen. Then, it isn’t like Branden Grace where he mooches off Oosthuizen’s cool name - Bezuidenhout is a cool name in and of itself. Oh yeah, the play was neat too. CB displayed impressive consistency, with a 70 on Days 1-3, and only 8 bogeys + one double bogey throughout the API. With the absence of the GOAT Louis Oosthuizen, other spectacular names filled in well.

Scaring Father Time Award: Lee Westwood

Multiple times on this column, I have told the story of Father Time. A juggernaut more dominant than Geno Auriemma’s UConn WBB empire, many considered Mr. Time undefeated. It’s been a tough year for Time, with LeBron James and Tom Brady trouncing him. Perhaps, Lee Westwood will add insult to injury at age 47. Westwood hasn’t won a PGA event since 2010, where he won the St Jude Classic after Robert Garrigus triple-bogeyed up 3 strokes on 18 to force a playoff in which Robert Karlsson missed a simple putt to win, but he’s been very active in the past decade. For his career, he flaunts 8 Top 3 and 12 Top 5 major finishes, but can’t display any bulky trophies or jackets to show for the accomplishments. In 2020, he won a stacked Abu Dhabi Championship over a stacked field featuring Bryson DeChambeau, Brooks Koepka, and the Amazing Oosthuizen, among countless other Top 100 golfers.

At Bay Hill, he compelled Father Time to shake in his divine britches, spraying a Saturday 65 and holding the revered 2021 Arnold Palmer Invitation At Bay Hill (we’ll abbreviate the other parts of the location) 54 Hole Lead. His Sunday +1 won’t attract loyal fans like those of the Oost-Hive, but when you contemplate the fact that Bryson tied for the best score of the day at 71, it is far from a catastrophe. That one stroke deficit when the dust settled was not a late push to make the contest appear close. Bryson and Westwood walked to the 18th tee simultaneously, DeChambeau up a stroke. Both crushed drives, but unfortunately, Westwood’s fell in a divot, and even a ridiculous approach shot couldn’t attain the birdie he needed.

This is one of the many notions that keeps so many coming back to golf. Physical spectacles such as Monsieur DeChambeau continue to blast spheres to the moon. Señor Bryson still has his fair share of success, although it’s not like he’s won any tournaments recently. Nevertheless, other players, even ones in their 40s, continue to prosper, even if they wallop orbs off the tee 20-30 yards shorter than Herr Mad Scientist. And it doesn’t just revolve around the putting green. If PGA golfers strike when their irons are hot (pun totally intended), they can win events like the API while not making the golf ball fear for its life off the tee. Westwood nailed that aspect at Arnold Palmer, ranking 1st in greens in regulation and #1 in strokes gained from tee to green, even with middling yards/drive numbers. Golf may be the Eli Manning to Father Time’s Tom Brady. With a large cluster of golfers including Westwood entering their high 40s always in the mix, Time lives in fright when it turns on the Golf Channel, aware of the fact that any of these seniors can steal The Masters next month.

BINGO Award: Matt Wallace

Matt Wallace’s weekend merits zero words, on paper. (Well, where else would I put them?) A 2 under par showing deposited six figures in the bank account, but zilch in the way of digits within the national notice ledger. A Swell Sunday (a phrase that should be used more often) at 71, equalling the premier score of Day 4 (give me unintentional rhyme points for that one) was worth jotting down in the local golf rumblings, but nobody would put down that column and exclaim, “Wow, how about that Matt Wallace!” What if I told you he did something way cooler than a Top 5 finish? What if I told you he did something way harder than piping a drive 400 feet?

Matt Wallace made BINGO! He shot scores of 70, 71, 72, 73 at the API. This past November, Dustin Johnson set a Masters scoring record. At that same tournament, Jon Rahm fired the ace of the __ insert period of time__. At Torrey Pines, Patrick Reed set a new record for cheating controversies. The achievements by Johnson, Rahm, and Reed all benefitted their games, and wallets, significantly. Wallace, while no media outlet can confirm that he went for BINGO, fulfilled one of the toughest tasks in golf, without being rewarded one bit for it. The degree of difficulty on that is harder than dunking on Tacko Fall. One astute putt or one shanked drive, and that’s it. Yet, Wallace stayed with it and shot four consecutive numbers. I shall no longer stand for this injustice. It is imperative that the PGA adds a BINGO Trophy, paying out thousands of dollars for anyone who does such a thing. This weekend, while America’s eyes locked on Lee Westwood and Bryson DeChambeau, Matt Wallace was collecting green bills from the grannies at Bay Hill Retirement Community.

Canadian Of The Week: Corey Conners

Corey Conners is Canadian. Corey Conners also somehow managed to personify Canada during his vacation to Orlando. In the golf community, Jordan Spieth and Bryson DeChambeau are met with mixed feelings. Regardless of some haters, it’s awesome for the game of golf to have them playing meaningful rounds. I’m not exactly lining up for a Bryson weird hat, but the energy in watching him drive is infectious. 

Corey Conners is not that. Corey Conners could be sent to the United Nations or the White House to represent a Canadian citizen: a nice, normal chap who some dislike for his regularity, myself included, because in those top groups, we want to see the heart-stoppers, the players we love golf for. I would believe you if you informed me Corey Conners gave his fellow competitors advice on the odd roll of a green, or brought homemade cookies. At the end of the day, myself, and the broad spectrum of golf fanatics, gravitate towards the big personalities and the hair-raising hitters, ditching the Corey Conners of the world.

Moment of the Tournament: THAT Drive

You know which drive I’m talking about. (HINT: It’s the one I told you that you don’t have to click, but you totally should. Gold star to all the extra credit readers who pressed the link because I told them to) The energy was electric from Bryson and his entourage. The shot, in and of itself was amazing. Yet, that wasn’t even the star of the Drive Of The Year. The best part was the atmosphere.

This shot brought me back to the memories of college hoops fans storming the court. This shot made me recall the roar of an enthusiastic January crowd in a pivotal NFL playoff game. This shot allowed me to look forward into the lives we will live once the COVID-19 pandemic has been extinguished. This shot reminded me that sports aren’t just a couple people performing a feat of athleticism - it’s thousands of people caught up in a MOMENT.