EURO 2020 ROUND OF 16 PREVIEW

 The Euro is the sporting event for everyone. The Euro is the currency for everyone. Unfortunately, today, we only have time to talk about the former, but expect a new piece from me soon called Cash Classes/Rupee Rankings.

It has the allure for the diehard fans, wielding star power (Christian Ronald, known by a few as Ronaldo, has 5 goals in 3 group stage matches), team play (Hungary eked out draws against two of the 8 favorites, and stayed even with another through the 80th minute), and a healthy dose of chaos (Germany’s first two matches consisted of 4 “purposeful” goals, and 3 own goals). And all of that was just one of the six groups!

Nonetheless, if there is high quality football (I am a proud American who would not like his citizenship revoked for using the wrong name for the game) soccer, the fanatics will find it. The challenge for futbol, like any sport, is sucking in the casual viewership base. The thing is, limited fans and all, the European Championship delivers, even for those with no familiarity with the World’s Game, save for their five year old nieces’ moment of glory in a 42-37 rec league game. 

So far, in Casuals Weekly, Turkey has played Wales. If we’ve learned anything from American sports, namely March Madness, it’s that people love nothing more than cheering on animals. Why not bring that across the Atlantic by pitting the two countries that share a name with a creature against each other, and spark several lopsided “Who would win in a fight” debates?

Russia existed, which always serves as a good rooting interest for Americans still angry at their Cold War opponent. Rece Davis hosted much of the coverage on ESPN, an inviting figure for so many who loved college football and basketball, and were now being introduced to a sport with similarly radiant fanfare. Lastly, and most importantly, VAR, or Video Assistant Referee, was present, a relief to the billions who couldn’t stand soccer without an overimposing, time wasting, frequently incorrect party.

The group stage was a happy glow on my TV guide, at a time in the day when nothing else was on the sports schedule, aside from last night’s highlights, a bit of PGA Tour action, and Skip Bayless trying to tie the events of the Western Conference Finals back to LeBron. 

Every game in the prelims is a joyful sight, but with little consequence. When I woke up to a France-Hungary duel that saw the Starvedarians up a goal, I doubted they could hold on, but even if so, I wasn’t shellshocked, because the French could recover and qualify for the elims, which is all that matters.

Now, each match carries so much weight. Italy may be 6-1, compared to 100-1 for Austria, to huddle around the Henri Delaunay Trophy, but when they meet Saturday, sportsbook’s predictions won’t matter, as only one will emerge standing. 

It’s time to dig into the Round of 16, where the “Win Or Go Home” mentality will begin. However, if you think I will be pushing my chips into Belgium because of Romelu Lukaku’s smooth as silk finishes, you are misinformed. If I do place a prediction on the black, yellow, and red, it will be by result of their waffles, not their winning ways. 

Let’s get into our Euro Round of 16 Predictions That Have Nothing To Do With The Actual Players:

Wales over Denmark

I will only use one battle of animals, I promise. And here it is, to kick off the Euro - Wales vs the Great Danes. 

Please don’t search up what country the Great Dane is from, as it’s 100% Denmark, so it’d just be a waste of your time to search it up. Because judging by your click on an article predicting winners in the Euro Round of 16 based on things that do not relate to the soccer being played to determine the outcome, you’re a busy person.

On paper, the whale should trounce the dane. While the Great Dane is the largest dog breed, the whale makes it look more like a Chihuahua. Even the Beluga, one of the lighter types, at 3,000 lbs on average, would lay even on an old timey scale with 15 male Great Danes at the highest end of the weight distribution.

As usual, the question comes back to, who will win in a fight? Battle isn’t determined by a contraption that spits out a kilogram quantity. The animal whose hand is raised by the referee (what species should the umpire be? For sheer comedy purposes, let’s go with an ant) must be able to adapt to their surroundings, in this case, Johan Cruijff Arena in Amsterdam. 

The Dane’s agility will trump that of the Welsh Wale by many multiples. It can run wild throughout the stadium, and ambush at the proper moment.

What am I saying? The whale would just lie on the dog, fall asleep, and win the world’s biggest title belt

A Soccer Reason To Believe In This Win:

Gareth Bale is the best player in this matchup. In a skewed duel, that might not mean much, but this one could be close, as 4 of the teams’ total 6 group stage matches came down to a goal or less. At that point in the match, the 80th minute with a deadlocked score, having a deadly finisher can mean more than anything

Italy over Austria

I am sorry Mozart. You make banger songs. 

DID YOU KNOW: During our European travels, we stayed at a hotel that Mozart visited centuries before, and my sister was most excited about the nearby McDonalds?

I am sorry Nikola Tesla. You did something cool in engineering, and now this meme lord has a company named for you.

However, when we’re picking teams based on their country, I’m not going to side with “famous” leaders such as Marie Antoinette and Adolf Hitler.

I must go the Garfield route. When you put pizza, pasta, calzones, lasagna, gelato, risotto, tiramisu, and truffles on a team together, you have lived out the Liverpuddlian’s (I could’ve used any city for an example there, but I wanted to say Liverpuddlian because it’s a phenomenal phrase) dream of “What if Messi, Ronaldo, Neymar, Mbappe, and De Bruyne teamed up on The Reds,” but for a state of food.

I don’t have a prediction for the final score. The food battle, on the other hand? Bet on Italy to win that head-to-head by 15 goals.

A Soccer Reason To Believe In This Win:

Austria has scored 4 goals in their past 6 games, with 3 coming against North Macedonia, which about 17 people knew was a country before their miraculous Euro qualification. Italy hasn’t allowed a ball to kiss the back netting for 10 games. If Italy can score, they can ditch the pitch early and pre-order their quarterfinal tickets

Czech Republic over Netherlands

One of the best gauges on the aptitude of a team, and your interest in them should they go deep in the tournament, is their pun potential.

The Netherlands is very dependable, but nothing special - very similar to my feelings about the Dutch players. You have the ol’ reliable crude jokes you can make about them being the “Nether regions.” If they defend poorly in a major moment, you can refer to them as “Holeand.” If they continue a championship drought, ask them if they’ve ever seen Peter Pan, because this looks a lot like Neverland.

The Czech Republic was established for maximum terrible joke capability. True story. Rome fell, they were dividing the land back into smaller territories, and one leader yelled “Let’s make one that we can crack all our quips with.” So Czechia was born…

Now, with any outcome, the Czech wisecracks will win out. Just flipping on the game in the 60th minute after leaving your hotel room? You’re Czeching in after Czeching out. Did their coach make a calculated manuever to steal the game? They’ll have to write him a colossal Czech after the game. A string of unforced errors to sink their hopes of winning the Euro? They need to Czech themselves before they Wrech themselves. The possibilities are endless, and will only continue to grow should these Czechs pass the tests and Czechs of the Dutch.

A Soccer Reason To Believe In This Win:

I just don’t buy the Netherlands hype. They still haven’t proven themselves. On the other hand, the Czech Republic survived a difficult group, and will continue to excel in the biggest matches

Belgium over Portugal

Here is the biggest question leading into this one that absolutely everyone is wondering: What would international immigration laws have to say about Portugal straight up stealing Brazil?

I began thinking about this in the context of the Euro, with Portugal having Cristiano Ronaldo, but needing someone else alongside him. So, why not just recruit an entire country of 211 million that includes Neymar because of dumb “Finders Keepers” rules from centuries ago? It’s worth a shot for Portugal to say “You speak the same language as us so we inherit your players,” just to give it a whirl.

This could propel the Portuguese to the Euro, World Cup, and more high profile victories. Even more so, it could energize their economy in the tourist sector because of the attractions they could grab from Brazil. What if people could visit Christ the Redeemer after stops in Paris and Madrid? The value on trips to the beaches of Portugal, followed by a rafting journey through the Amazon would be immense. 

After reading International Immigration Law For Dummies: Can Countries Steal Stuff From Others, I have realized that Portugal cannot just airlift a nation larger than it into itself. That also took going to the library and grabbing Physics, Geography, and Airlifting For Dummies. Turns out you can’t lift an entire country up!

As a result, my money is on Belgium, because their country has enough that they need not contemplate embarking on a heist of another country. Also, waffles. That needs mentioning

A Soccer Reason To Believe In This Win:

For once, my general explanation actually made sense in the context of soccer. Belgium has Lukaku. Portugal has Ronaldo. Below that striker spot, Belgium is far more talented, and that should win out over 90+ minutes.

Spain over Croatia

I lived in Spain for a year. I may not be able to return if I do not predict their nation to win their first elimination stage match.

Croatia, I can be bought. Offer three beach houses and you're in.

A Soccer Reason To Believe In This Win:

Who needs actual soccer analysis when you can just get me believing in the countries I spent a year in?

France over Switzerland

Ever hear the phrase “Imitation is the highest form of flattery?” You’ve probably heard it A. From people who are mad at you for mimicking their voice and copying everything they say or B. Out of the mouths of those who copied a bunch of stuff you did.

Well, it’s one of the favorite phrases of Switzerland. They decided they would make their national identity a mish-mash of a bunch of other nations, “borrowing” from Italy, Germany, and France. 

Ever wonder why the Swiss flag is a plus sign? It’s because rather than birth their own number, like 27, they added together a 5, 12, and 10. Instead of creating a unique culture, they made a melting pot of others like the fondue they’re so fond of. Also, they’re very nice, secure with 9 figure bank accounts, and EXPENSIVE.

This creates a neat vibe, where you can go to some areas and inherit the Italian influence, and go to others and feel French. However, I suspect the French have had enough of the Swiss. They appreciate the generosity, and want to remain friends with Switzerland, but think it’s just a little weird that Switzerland named their currency “Franc” after them, among other actions that go closer to worship than schoolgirl crush. Switzerland is just too nice, and even after Benzema scores 6 goals, will continue to flatter/imitate.

A Soccer Reason To Believe In This Win:

Unless Switzerland can copy/paste the roster of France into their kits, they won’t have the talent to hang with Lloris, Kante, Mbappe, and the rest of the star-studded roster in dark blue

England over Germany

I may detest the snobby accents that originate from the UK. London raining more than twice as much as Berlin might sway me towards declaring an early Oktoberfest following a German advancement to the quarterfinals. Fortunately, every once in a while, I pay attention in history class.

This past year, in 9th grade World History, which is a European History class that they claim covers the entire world, basically the 2018 World Cup of social studies lessons, we studied World War Two in depth. 

We were educated on the Blitz, where Germany’s Air Force released their wrath on Great Britain. They centered many of their bombings on London. Somehow, the Brits pushed through, a key step towards their ultimate victory alongside the United States and Soviet Union to lift the WWII Cup.

Stop me if I said this in the last paragraph: Germans who can move and strike quickly invade London, and after a promising start, slip and fall to eliminate themselves from contention for continental superiority.

Also, in the interest of fairness to the German soccer players, who I’m sure are splendid men who had no fault in the wrongdoings of evil humans from a century ago, I will apologize for that time I got very invested in the 2014 World Cup Final, and at age 8, referred to Argentina’s foe as the Nazis.

A Soccer Reason To Believe In This Win:

Harry Kane scored 23 goals in the Premier League in 35 games. Germany won’t have any goal scorers who can keep pace with that

Sweden and Ukraine engage in an eternal draw

I have nothing interesting to add about either of these nations. Zlatan (even if he's not actually on the team) doesn't come off as a great person, but Sweden has delicious meatballs and Ikea, so they cancel out. I like that Ukraine sometimes has a "The" before it, but they appear to be a slightly inferior team. So, I will guess that neither nation scores for 120 minutes, and they exchange penalty shootout misses until the sun explodes