Wolf of BALL Street

 Ding, ding ding! 

“The market is now open for trading,” announces a portly man in a suit.

Hundreds of brokers dash for the money machines, each bearing the name of one stock, ready to make large sums of cash. Each one cranks levers, doling out large sums of AAPL and AMZN. Others wail, as their GME investments crash and burn, lowering their net worths and raising their debts. 

The beasts in suits scratch and claw to the front of the line, making inexperienced businessmen wonder if they just walked into the New York Stock Exchange or the Hunger Games. 

The answer to that question is neither: they just walked into my bizarre envisionment of the stock market. 

Luckily, that place does not exist, but another stock market has opened. The NBA season is in full swing, as we can see from MVP conversations, trade rumors, and legacy debates. *

*I’m being informed those occur at any time of the basketball year. I guess you’ll have to take my word for it.

Now, financial markets are being formed around NBA players, teams and concepts, per my source Dude Trust Me. (You also must just believe Mr. Trust Me and me)

Sadly, the vast majority of the Internet does not produce content on such trade. Fortunately, you have Casey At Da Bat to give items to buy and sell!

BUY: The Pre-All Star Break Knicks

A verdict has not arrived yet on the status of the New York Knicks. 

Tom Thibodeau’s entry in Madison Square Garden brings many things with it. Lockdown defense is a constant under Thibs schemes, which is once again true in NYC, with the Knicks boasting the 4th best defensive rating in the NBA whilst holding teams to 100 points or fewer 10 times on the young season. 

An array of different bigs help on the defensive end. Mitchell Robinson, Julius Randle, and Nerlens Noel all boost their team’s defensive performance by at least 2 points per 100 possessions, according to RAPTOR. Unfortunately, Robinson broke his hand. 

Noel is having a renaissance (at the old age of 26! Yet, if you told me he was around for the actual Renaissance, I’d believe you) with ridiculous numbers at the defensive end, such as a block percentage of 9.9, a career best by over 2 percentage points, meaning he blocks about 1 of every 10 2-point attempts hoisted by his opponents. A real effort player on defense too, Noel NEVER gives up on a play, even when literally out of it. 

Another fascinating aspect of this squad comes via Thibodeau’s backcourt choices. RJ Barrett and Elfrid Payton hear their names called out by the MSG PA announcer pregame, while Derrick Rose and Immanuel Quickley come off the bench. This confuses many, with both starters owning subpar PER numbers, while Quickley and Rose tout above average ones.

This makes sense with Barrett, who provides the best defense of the four. However, Payton provides no skills more attractive than the Backcourt Bench Bros. (Trying to make that nickname happen. Right as I do, Thibs will promote one to the starting lineup) 

The BBB each facilitate better, with more assists per 36 minutes and a better assist/turnover ratio, shoot better from deep (that’s not saying much in comparison to Elfrid’s dismal 25% clip), and defend better according to blocks and steals per 36, defensive box plus-minus, and RAPTOR. 

Fortunately, the Rose/Quickley tandem thrives off the bench, giving a scoring boom. I’m not sure what the appeal of Elfrid Payton is, but as a fan of fun basketball, if we get more of these minutes, sign me up. But preferably not on a list where James Dolan has access to my personal information and phone data. I’m not interested in James Dolan trading away my Candy Crush currency for a special shade of black in my clock app. Unless he does this to my fantasy football league. 

This buy pick comes not via fascination, but pure practicality. Their schedule before Atlanta’s All-Star festivities is: Minnesota, Golden State, Sacramento, Indiana, Detroit, and San Antonio. This might be a make-or-break period for New York, with Tankathon evaluating their remaining schedule pre-break as one of the 3 easiest in the NBA. The Knicks lie on the 7 seed, good enough for the best seed in the play-in. However, this will remain a crucial stretch for their long term status in a tight East. As every person ever has likely told you, you gotta take care of business against teams that suck. So, I advise that they do it. More importantly for this column, I buy because I believe they will do that, less a vote in favor of New York, and more one against the teams they face. Although, it would be peak Knicks to blow this stretch. 

*Cues 80s music

They’re one period away from winter break. But, they have the easiest final of all time first. Starring: Elfrid Payton, the loner who used to have cool hair and still has a cool name, but has never done well in school. Derrick Rose, the Harvard-bound whiz kid whose Ivy League hopes were dashed by an injury to the ACL of his brain. Tom Thibodeau, AKA a slightly angrier Robin Williams from the Dead Poets Society.

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN

COMING TO THEATERS NEAR YOU

SELL: Yuta Watanabe

Yuta Watanabe is the first Japanese-born player to receive a Division I hoops scholarship, and the second Japanese player to play in the NBA. He won Yay-10 (Atlantic 10: best conference in college basketball) Defensive Player of the Year honors Watanabe clawed his way through the G-League to play rotation minutes for the Toronto Raptors. Sadly, his career may be punctuated by one moment.

It’s too early to say if Anthony Edwards will be a star. The #1 pick has struggled offensively early on, posting clips of 38% from the field and 31% from deep, with Zach Lowe also pointing out his tendency to ball-watch and while defending off the ball, allow his man to slip. 

One thing is for certain: his highlight tape will be something else, already boasting the dunk of the year over Watanabe, and a poster on the man who went one pick after him in the 2020 NBA Draft, James Wiseman. 

Lesson: If you’re a young player whose last name starts with W who is fluent in an Asian language, STAY AWAY from the former Georgia Bulldog. I know that powerful advice will resonate with thousands of people. 

For Watanabe, it was not an inability to play defense that caused this humiliation. This year, he recorded blocks on Harrison Barnes and Nikola Vucevic, one of the strongest players in the entire league. His defensive highlights haven’t been empty calories either - he presents good team defense every trip down the floor. 

Why sell on Watanabe now? It’s impossible for a stock to recover from a crisis like this.

For example, what happened to Exxon after their catastrophic 1989 oil spill? 

*Checks XOM stock

Oh. 

Well I guess maybe don’t sell quite yet?

BUY: The DeAndre Jordan Pick and Roll

Many consider DeAndre Jordan a liability for these Nets due to his fat contract and lack of mobility. On Monday, he proved all of the perhaps some number of haters wrong. (Ignore the part where he averages a turnover for more than one of every four plays)

First of all, albeit in lower volume, DeAndre Jordan is scoring the ball efficiently, shooting nearly 80% from the field on 4 attempts per game. Given his usual poor numbers from the line, he has an approximately 50% better chance of making a field goal than a free throw. 

Monday night, in Sacramento, the pick and roll utilized Jordan well. Like here. And here. And WOW. And OMG. And here’s Harden screwing up an easy play created by DJ. But here’s the former Rocket redeeming himself on another Jordan P&R by converting a bucket whilst triple teamed that he had NO BUSINESS hitting

Maybe this is just the Kings defense talking, but these plays look SMOOTH as a smoothie. Yes, I have 100% just wanted to use that phrase my entire life. Although, are smoothies smooth? 

The unbelievable thing about the Nets is, they’re like a great football team like Kansas City in that they show different looks every night. 2 days later, in Phoenix, they attack Deandre Ayton on switches against Harden like this one and this one. It just shouldn’t be that easy to get those switches, against a top 10 defense no less. Yet, the Nets kept finding those opportunities.

Then, against the Lakers, a night later, Brooklyn feasted on a different buffet. Without Anthony Davis, the Lakers had Montrezl Harrell and Marc Gasol as their bigs of choice, both respectable options. Yet, the Nets managed to demolish each option. They took advantage of Harrell’s smaller stature by ramming it inside, through pick & roll and offensive rebounding. On the other hand, against Gasol, they utilized more dribble penetration on switches, and pick & pops to test Gasol’s agility. 

Phil Jackson would be pleased with this offense because of the incredible ball movement. Phil Swift would be impressed by its versatility and ability to handle any substance/defense. Phil Mickelson would be happy with Harden’s left handedness. Overall, this All-Phil offense is an excellent one, with so many ways to beat you. And when all else fails, any of their Big 3 shooting a contested jumper is as good a shot as any. Plus, Durant was out for all these games! That offense will only be scarier with him in the lineup.

DeAndre Jordan may seem on his way out of the league. Yet, what he did this week impressed me. His pick and rolls against Top 10 defenses like Phoenix and Los Angeles gave them FITS. So, buy stock now in an impact player’s ability to create for his teammates. Along with Joe Harris’ catch-and-shoot ability, Jordan’s P&R game could be one of the other key cogs in their offense during the playoffs, when defenses are more focused on the trio of stars.

SELL: The Washington Wizards

This is the equivalent of the Brooklyn Nine-Nine episode, where Jake Peralta finds out his name was included in a rich relative’s will, only to learn that he received a boatload of Blockbuster stock.

Washington is the only team in the NBA with a <1 % chance of making the playoffs, according to FiveThirtyEight. They needed this miracle for one of their nine wins. The Wizards lead the NBA in points allowed per game. Scott Brooks has already filled out his unemployment paperwork. 

I’m gonna stop there, because the Basketball Stock Exchange places extremely strict restrictions on deceased animal brutality, and this dead horse has already been beat.