Monday Night Bites: Bowl Mania

 SPORTS: BOWL MANIA

Last week, I went all out entertainment, taking you through all the funniest points of The Bachelorette. This week, I’ll do the same for college football’s answer to the hit ABC show, with both sharing unnecessary drama, wild storylines, and the fact that its entire fan base can’t imagine a world without it, while anyone yet to be introduced to the worlds of The Bachelor and Bowl Season isn’t missing out on much.

Every shamelessly branded bowl game is in the books. The only game left in the 2020-21 college football season is the national championship, a highly anticipated shootout between Alabama and Ohio State, two Cinderella stories of teams neglected by the spotlight. Sure, they’ve gone through the miserable eras of Bear Bryant and Urban Meyer, but now they’re here, playing for an honor they’ve won only a combined 25 times, and tacking on four more if the Crimson Tide’s unclaimed national championships count. 

However, you’re not here for a matchup between 3 Heisman finalists. You didn’t click on this article to see three of the top five players in Heisman Trophy voting face off against one of the three best QBs in the upcoming NFL Draft. You arrived here to see the bowl games for the common man. This piece exists to inform of the funniest storylines from the December/January football we call bowl season, from the Duke’s Mayo Bowl to the Duke’s Mayo Bowl. Sorry, Cheez-It Bowl, but bowls dedicated to condiments have a leg up in Bowl of the Year rankings.

-Let’s start with a broad one: turnover celebrations. The most famous must be that of the Miami Hurricanes. It’s merely a gold chain with their emblem on it. You could buy an identical one for 5 bucks at the stadium, right? Wrong. Their 2017 chain had over 900 sapphire stones. A year later, they upgraded it to 4,000 stones. According to my math, if that growth rate continues, it should have over 79,000 gems this season, when they faced off against Oklahoma State in the Cheez-It Bowl. Yes, of course the turnover chain has a theme song too. Oregon State had a sweet celebration too, with their turnover chainsaw, as they are the Beavers, but you must make a bowl game to get credit in this column, which they did not. Cincinnati has mini basketball hoop to dunk on, which is neat, but vastly elevated by the Bearcats’ own Coby Bryant intercepting a pass in the Peach Bowl, and thus slamming it like the Black Mamba. Tennessee has a TRASH CAN as their celebrations after fumbles and interceptions. From the sunny skies of Detroit, AJ Hinch is smiling down on Knoxville

-Dan Mullen coaches the University of Florida’s football team. To his credit, they win the vast majority of his games, but  he’s always got a good excuse ready for when they take an L. After their October loss to Texas A&M, Mullen claimed the loss came as a result of the raucous crowd in College Station, and begged the school he represented to fill their home with fans. When the Gators saw loss #2 to LSU, this time in front of a roaring bunch of Gainesville faithful, he merely complained that the SEC played more games than the Big Ten. In fairness, he was probably still in shock, because his team just lost because one of Mullen’s players CHUCKED AN OPPONENT’S SHOE. After losing to Alabama, he stayed quiet, because you don’t have to give an excuse after a loss to the Tide, just say “C’mon man, it’s Bama.” Finally, in their fourth loss to Oklahoma in the Goodyear (not a good year) Cotton Bowl (not in the Cotton Bowl, but at AT&T Stadium, where it relocated to in 2010) Classic (35 point blowout), Mullen managed to top all of his previous bests with the good ol’ “ a bunch of our players opted out.” In peak NCAA football coach form, he said that the SEC Championship was the final game which the 2020 team played, that many players suiting up for the Cotton Bowl were scout team players, and that with all of the opt-outs, injuries, and COVID-19 positive tests, the Gators “had the numbers to not play the game.”

-Respecting the troops was not a priority in Tulsa’s battle against Mississippi State in the Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl. Mike Leach’s State team took the win. The team looked very different than you might visualize from Leach, an offensive guru. Instead, they went 4-7, only going over 30 points twice. The Bulldogs even had a 2 game stretch where their defense scored 9 points, to only 7 for the offense. They nevertheless found a way to take a win from a Tulsa team that nearly beat Cincinnati in the AAC Championship, undoubtedly a strong group. The most interesting part came at the end, when an MSU receiver KICKED a Tulsa player and took off running, escalating into a full brawl. How shocking that such fighting behaviors could go down at a bowl game sponsored by an arms and defense company!

Quick Hitters:

-Gator Bowl: Kentucky had three 15 yard penalties on one drive: 2 unsportsmanlike conduct penalties and a roughing the passer foul. The officials missed a facemask by the Wildcats on the same drive

-Orange Bowl: I’ve never seen Texas A&M coach Jimbo Fisher sprint. He certainly took off like Forrest Gump at the end of his New Year’s Six bowl win, as his players brought a container of sports drink to pour on him to celebrate his win. Whether it was an orange allergy (my assumption is an orange drink, given the bowl game) or a fear of Gatorade doesn’t matter. Just notify the US Olympic Committee

-One of these is a real bowl sponsor. The other 2 are made up websites: visitnorthdakota.com, bratwurst.com, roofclaim.com. (Answer key at bottom) I mean, the other two are probably still websites, but not sites good enough to deserve a bowl game. Interestingly enough, one of the top three QB prospects, Zach Wilson Jr, played in this game. Shows the NCAA disrespect of a really good team, while lackluster squads like Auburn get outclassed on New Year’s Day

Finally, the moment you’ve been waiting for: THE DUKE’S MAYO BOWL. 

In all its glory, two meh teams faced off in Wake Forest and Wisconsin. The Demon Deacons pulled out to an early lead, but lost it quicker than Bill and Ted could lose all their money to a Nigerian prince. Wisconsin controlled the rest of the game, where I patiently waited for it to end and to witness a mayo bath, as we had seen with substances like potatoes and Cheez-Its. Instead, we got the usual Powerade shower. I was inconsolable about the hour I just frittered away, until I realized the Golden Rule of Bowl Season: Crazy stuff never happens while you’re watching, it only occurs once you’ve stopped. I wasted my time waiting for a mayonnaise dump that never occurred, and missed out on a wild fight in the aforementioned Armed Forces Bowl.

Answer Key: bratwurst.com: NOT

For real this time, roofclaim.com. Yes, I’m serious. A site that allows you to, just guessing here, select and possess other people’s roofs sponsored a national TV bowl game starring notable recruits