Wednesday Night Bites: The Bachelorette

 Entertainment: The Bachelorette

I’ve been a Survivor fan for what feels like forever. I will always enjoy The Amazing Race, a solid, trustworthy Clint Capela of reality shows. However, I had yet to venture into the deep weeds that are reality TV. This fall, I gave The Bachelorette a try. Clare became the first Bachelorette of the season, but she was soon followed by Tayshia after the first titular Bachelorette fell in love. I could go into the tragic stories of the men Tayshia sent home. I could tell the heartwarming story of Tayshia and (redacted). Instead, let’s go through some of the most hilarious stories of the season:

-This dude showed up in a straightjacket. I wish I was kidding. At first, I thought the showrunners might have set up a program with a prison, but no, he just thought that would be a good fashion statement, making Bill Belichick look like the king of style. Though, it sparked the idea that a Bachelor/Bachelorette season with the preface that one of the contestants was a murderer was a fascinating, albeit scary idea

-Through the first half of Tayshia’s run, one of the main storylines came at the hands of contestants Chasen and Ed. Ed went on the offensive for a good while, declaring Chasen a fraud to the other men and the bachelorette. If you’re curious about Ed’s personality, he received a baby doll on one date for being the least mature contestant. This all came to a head in a wrestling group date, creating two of the greatest moments in television history, with each man bringing one such moment to the table. First, Chasen delivered the funniest quote since Hassan Whiteside announced he wanted to leave the US and move to Hawaii, saying “Ed, you are not waking up tomorrow. You'll be in an ice bath after this. You'll be icing your entire body and your mom will be picking you up tomorrow. I am bringing Wolverine out.” He manages to combine intimidation and some form of endearment, an impressive pairing. Then, Ed tops this by pulling out of his match with Chasen seconds before it started, muttering about some shoulder injury. He manages to combine load management and flopping; Kawhi Leonard and James Harden approve.

-Noah became one of the biggest players of the season. He burst onto the scene after joining the show not at the beginning, but upon the arrival of Tayshia. We’ll get to the hilarious drama with him in a second, but let’s start with the storyline above his lip. The 25 year old looked like a daytime game show host (early Trebek?) with this hideous mustache. At Tayshia’s request, he shaved it off. Whether that saved me just a month, or a full lifetime worth of nightmares will be determined at a later date.

-Noah got into seemingly a full season of beef with Bennett. I found myself taking Noah’s side, because of Bennett’s arrogance. On one group date, he flexes the countless houses that he and Tayshia would have together. In his bio, he claims he wasn’t always this successful and good looking, and brags that since his high school girlfriend, he hasn’t had to pursue women. Instead, according to Bennett, it’s them pursuing him. The verity of these statements I cannot confirm: it’s like using Donald Trump’s Twitter page for a history report. Finally, we came to a climax when Tayshia announced a showdown in which one of Noah and Bennett would be sent home. Bennett came bearing gifts, given not to the Bachelorette, but for his fellow competitor. He gave a bandana, a nice gesture of friendship, before giving a pair of mustache socks to remind Noah of his facial hair mistake. No harm, no foul, right? Correct, until Bennett’s third gift arrives, a book on emotional intelligence. Bennett, noted psychologist from Four Seasons Total Landscaping, reports Noah was deficient in 3 of the 4 categories of emotional intelligence. YOU JUST CAN’T WRITE THIS STUFF.

*It’s 11:30 right now. Will be sure to do a Sports column tomorrow

Rabbit Hole of the Week: 

-Trebek’s mustache. (Insert 700 clapping emojis and Sean Connery yelling TREBEK)