Tuesday Night Bites: Elf and NBA Opening Night

 ENTERTAINMENT: ELF

If you enjoy me roasting B-List Netflix movies, this is not the column for you. In this article, I will pour nothing but praise on a film known as Elf the way Tony Romo worships Patrick Mahomes. 


It opens with the protagonist being kidnapped from an orphanage to a workshop. There, he meets the workers, who are pressured tirelessly. Their boss announced on Christmas that they had to get back to work, directly after they distributed their entire year of production. The main character is then reprimanded for failing to meet the production quotas, and is sent to a hall of horrors. No, the film is not a tragedy, but a comedy. The workshop may or may not be called The North Pole, and this abusive boss does go by the name of Santa Claus.


The concept behind the Jon Favreau venture is simple: Buddy, played by Will Ferrell, is a human raised by the elves of the North Pole. The movie should probably be named for the second greatest film composer ever, the Mario Lemeuix of composing, Danny Elfman, for Buddy struggles to fit in in both the human and elf worlds.


Buddy learns of his human lineage one year and sets out for New York to meet his father. There, he manages to receive a restraining order from a department store, get escorted out of the Empire State Building, commit a felony, and be sent to jail for a separate offense. Perhaps the second most productive performance in the history of the state of New York, close behind Nathan Peterman’s five interception day. 


However, Buddy did win over many thanks to his penchant for winter activities. He bonds with his half-brother via his snowball fight skills. He finds love through a common adoration for Christmas songs. It’s a good thing he didn’t discover his lineage in the summer, as making those relationships at that time of year would entail skateboard skills and knowledge of every Travis Scott verse. It would be like if the US Olympic Committee mixed up their summer and winter rosters.


Side Note: Throughout the film, I found myself feeling bad for Michael, Buddy’s half-brother, as he reps Jets paraphernalia multiple times. The heartbreak he must’ve felt after their win over the LA Rams on Sunday, thus losing out on Trevor Lawrence, must’ve been immense. 


Along his journey come many hilarious moments. Buddy takes his health very seriously. He makes sure to get the full 40 minutes every night, maintaining good sleep habits. He also eats nutritiously, sticking to the 4 main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup. I won’t give away the other humorous plot points, but there are many.


Everything strikes a perfect balance: many aspects are super over the top, but stop on a dime like a defender trying to draw a charge foul, right in front of the “too far” line. Enjoy it, because between the 300 comical scenes in the


SPORTS: NBA OPENING NIGHT


I don’t know if you heard the word on the street from every person who has had a conversation about the NBA in the past month, but the NBA had the shortest offseason in major North American pro sports history. WNBA athletes deserve recognition in this regard, as many play without an offseason, heading to Europe for the winters and hooping in the states for summers. Opening night was tonight. Here are 3 takeaways from the first night, and 3 things to watch tomorrow: 


Takeaways:


1. KD is BACK 


Kevin Durant set foot on a basketball court today. He looked smooth, going for 22 points. I was concerned heading in, because as many high-ranking experts may tell you, there’s only one ball, contrary to the arguments of the 2 or even 3 ball conspiracy theorists. However, the entire Nets team played well, with Kyrie Irving scoring for himself and sharing the rock. The way the Nets opened today was impressive, but it came against a Warriors team still trying to figure out how to right the ship from that league-worst year in 2019-20. A win vs Boston on Christmas Day would back up the game one win and set the stage for an electrifying season in New York (not you, Knicks).


2. Who are the Warriors?


The Warriors’ stock took a huge hit on draft day, and it wasn’t because they made a bad selection. In fact, they may have made one of the best selections in the entire draft, taking the 3 game Memphis sensation James Wiseman. Wiseman came through in his first taste of NBA action, going for 19 points on 7-13 shooting. This was with him missing a few easy lay-ins. The way he moves for a 7-footer, and how he creates for himself with a stellar array of post moves, it’s unbelievable. He also hit a garbage time three


Rabbit Holes of the Week:


More successful Jon Favreau? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jon_Favreau https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jon_Favreau_(speechwriter) 


The sheer filmographies of these cinematic composers is unreal: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000384/ https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0002354/ 

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