NBA Draft Preview

Ever read detailed scouting reports by journalists like Jonathan Givony and say to yourself “Gee, this is incredible analysis, but I’m not smart enough to know what it means?”

In that case, this is the big board for you. 

I’m not going to ponder whether the Warriors will select a raw talent with no ceiling like Jonathan Kuminga or a more polished player like Davion Mitchell. I won’t pick a side on the Green V Mobley debate at #2 for the Houston Rockets.

I will question which prospect has the greatest tribute to a classic board game. I will make many opinions on the futures of athletes based on their names. I will identify parts of these players that no other analyst has discussed.

First, just for accountability and letting GMs know who to take (the group labelled NO THANKS) and who to pass on (the group labelled YES SIR):

YES SIR:

-Davion Mitchell. The greatest player ever

-Cade Cunningham. Pretty good as well

-NBA-style wings like Franz Wagner, Kai Jones, and Trey Murphy III

-Miles McBride, Ayo Donsunmu, Cameron Thomas, Sharife Cooper, James Bouknight. I have to follow my yearly tradition of getting way too hyped about guards who could score like crazy in college

-Neemias Queta. He’s gonna be a second rounder. At that point, you’re just buying a lottery ticket, and while chances are, you never see him play postseason minutes, he has DPOY ceiling

NO THANKS:

-Any player who played G-League/International ball since I didn’t get to see them play, so I’ll assume none of them know what a basketball is

-Day’Ron Sharpe. In an era of skilful bigs, I don’t think he has the polish to get it done

-Moses Moody. He fell in love with his own average jump shot at the end of the year. He’ll need to have smarter shot selection to succeed

-BJ Boston. From his first game at Kentucky, I just haven’t understood the appeal. Yes, since he is a projected second-rounder, this is my Payton Pritchard Player Of The Year, who I disparage, even though I won’t look smart if I’m right but I’ll be an idiot if I’m wrong

-All Johnsons in the draft. I think both Keon and Jalen will be too raw to make an impact. Look out for a young PG named Moderna Pfizer ready to make an impact though....

Now, with that boring actual analysis out of the way, let’s get to the fun!

Cade Cunningham:

PRO: No holes in his game. Extremely good at basketball. Gonna stake my reputation on that. You know what? If Cade Cunningham turns out to never win an MVP, I will… take myself out to dinner at my favorite restaurant.

CON: No Piston drafted #1 has ever scored a point in the NBA since 1984. Is that a statement on the propensity for busts out of the gate in Detroit? I think know so. Don’t listen to the conspiracy theorists who brush this aside and claim “the Pistons haven’t gotten the first pick in a draft since 1970” or whatever mumbo jumbo they spew.

Evan Mobley:

PRO: This is a perfect player for the casual scout, who stares at the birth certificate and calls it a day, as Mobley is the rare prospect who sounds exactly like his name. Evan is the quintessential name for a big man with immaculate post moves on one end and averages about 3 blocks a game on the other. Mobley is the official surname of ball handling skills, the ability to defend out to the 3-PT line, and, yes, mobility. Put them together and you get Evan Mobley.

CON: Played for the seventh best team in LA last year: UCLA, the Lakers, Clippers, Sierra Canyon, the Tune Squad, Goon Squad, and Vegetarian Vanquishers (a pick-up team made up exclusively of people who don’t eat meat) all boasted better teams. Sadly, this should disqualify Mobley from eligibility for the #1 pick, which demands you be a part of a Top Five group in your metro area. 

Jalen Green:

PRO: Top player in the draft with a name from Clue. Jamal Mustard and Gary Peacock making big pushes up Kevin O’ Connor’s draft board, though.

CON: Major memory issues. In an interview with Bleacher Report’s Farbod Esnaashari, he “forgot how it went” when sharing a story involving Paul George, Brian Shaw, and Kobe Bryant. What’s next, he’s going to forget how to dribble in the middle of the Conference Finals?

Jalen Suggs:

PRO: You might be able to sneak a few extra points in by throwing Suggs’ Final Four-winning buzzer beater against UCLA up on the Jumbotron on repeat, and racking up layups while your opponents stare at the screen in awe.

CON: There’s a rule that you can’t be the best player in your class if you’re not the first player of your name selected. True story. Michael Jordan would’ve been a fringe starter if his parents had opted to name him Sam or Hakeem. Suggs may be one of the most enticing options on the board, but it won’t matter if The Other Jalen precedes him in the order.

Jonathan Kuminga:

PRO: Many are worried about his raw game to this point, with so much promise and little results. Fortunately, that should change now, as Kuminga played his year between high school and the pros at the G-League’s Ignite team. Therefore, he should now be ignit/ignited/ignitioned.

CON: Should be fine on the basketball court, as long as you don’t ask him to make any predictions. He put his money on the Clippers to win the Larry O’Brien in the NBA Bubble, a foolish move that I would never ever ever ever ever make

James Bouknight:

PRO: A Defender of Libraries.

CON: He was one of my five favorite players in college basketball last year, so naturally, his ticket to the G-League is already punched.

Scottie Barnes:

PRO: Wore what appears to be a straightjacket to his NBA Combine media session. Now, imagine what he can do once he can make use of his arms!

CON: Coach may be intimidated by Barnes:

1. No coach in the NBA can replicate the authority that Leonard Hamilton commands at Florida State

2. Scott/Scottie Barnes is an all-time great “coach name”

Moses Moody:

PRO: Key biblical figure.

CON: Tendency to get somewhat angry.

Davion Mitchell: 

PRO: Both men are named D Mitchell, wear 45, and are elite all-around guards, with abilities to pass, dribble, score at all three levels, and defend. Some might assume Davion and Donovan Mitchell are brothers. Perhaps the older “bro” will be gaslighted into believing it himself, and the superstar will demand a trade to Davion’s location.

CON: His nickname is “Off Night,” because his man rarely manages to score. Sadly, if Mitchell deviates from his efficient 56/45 splits, his title will certainly be regurgitated back at him. 

“Off night… more like… wait, that's actually an accurate nickname, because you’re 1 for 7!”

Josh Giddey:

PRO: Happiest player in the draft. Plays the game with so much joy - he even changed his surname to reflect that.

CON: Australian. This creates three problems that may hurt the team that selects him:

1. Might not speak English, instead using his native tongue of Australian

2. It will be difficult for him to get in NBA-level shape while exclusively consuming Vegemite, which I understand all Aussies do

3. Could’ve interacted with Ben Simmons’ shooting coach during his upbringing in the Lan Down Under

Franz Wagner:

PRO: (See con first and then read) The negative outlined below is a two-way street - it also gives the team which selects him the option in any big moment to distract the opponent with a song from before 1950. A costume for said distraction is not included with the draft rights, but very plausible if the owner wants to shell out the extra $150.

CON: He may be a brilliant stretch four, with the ability to do (insert any skill) with no weakness other than (insert thing that doesn’t exist, like a narwhal, unicorn, fairy, or salary cap), but can I watch him play without fear he will win Rookie of the Year, only to turn around and retire to star in a small-town Sound Of Music production? Nope.

Enjoy the draft, folks.