EURO 2020 FINAL PREVIEW

 Remember my preview of the Euro Round of 16 from a couple weeks ago? I promised a thrilling elimination stage.

I’m very sorry. I lied. Instead, it was a SUPER DUPER EDGE OF YOUR SEAT thrilling elim round. 

Spain went to extra time. Then, Spain went to penalties. Then, Spain went to penalties. If they hadn’t been knocked out by Italy in their third straight trip past 90 minutes, I’m convinced they would’ve gone to an infinite shootout in the final.

France got knocked out in PKs by Switzerland after blowing a 3-1 lead, a choke that is far less humiliating in basketball, especially if one were to make such a blunder during the 2016 NBA Finals.

England was even with Germany and Denmark at halftime, yet won both matches, needing an extra 30 to defeat the Great Danes in the semis. If you can believe this, their fans were quite pleased during both matches.

Also, Italy flopped a little bit on their way to the championship, but you don’t need me to be here to state more obvious facts, like that the earth is round.

After all of this chaos, only two remain to win the Euros, go down in history, and become eternal national heroes. 

England. Italy. We’ll break it all down here, from which country’s center backs look more poised to make an impact to which flag looks cooler:

5 Factors for Soccer and Country. Whoever gets ⅗ wins that section. If the teams split the two categories, we will figure out a strange tiebreaker, like who has a higher % of passes completed or which nation is the home to more fire hydrants per capita.

SOCCER:

GOALIE: ITALY

On one hand, Jordan Pickford has conceded a grand total of one goal throughout this entire Euro, an absolute gem of a Danish free kick that demanded an immaculate leap to save, which he could not deliver.

On the other, it took 9 starts in goal since November, or over 810 minutes, for Gianlugi Donnarumma to concede a goal under the Italian flag. The last time he conceded one with the Azzurri trailing or tied? September 2019.

Both of these achievements can partially be attributed to the defenses and midfields that shield the nets. Still, even if handed a star-studded back four, saves must be made to preserve the oval in the score sheet.

The tiebreaker goes to Donnarumma here. I’ll say it was thanks to his penalty heroics against Spain.

IF YOU WANT THE JAW-DROPPING, MIND-BLOWING TRUTH, READ BELOW:

Gianluigi is simply a cooler name than Jordan. Luigi is a fun name to say, and has a Mario character bearing the same title, only getting elevated by the additional syllabic springboard at the start. Call me when a plumber named Jordan saves Princess Peach from Bowser’s Castle. 

Not to pile on Pickford’s name here, but 

1. Gigi is an A-Tier nickname. “Jor,” “Dan,” “Ord,” and “Rda”  are not

2. Donnarumma is objectively a better last name; even Ord would admit this

3. Gianluigi is a storied name in Italian goalkeeping thanks to Buffon, one of the GKOATs. Few to no other Rdas have put on the gloves for England

DEFENSE: ITALY

In my book, the backs will be Italy’s biggest edge in the entire match. Somebody who appreciates puns, certainly not me, would say that the backs will serve as the front of Roberto Mancini’s gameplan.

Chielleni and Bonucci may have a higher combined age than Vladimir Putin and an infant under 2 years old. Yet, even when confronted with the younger, faster English backs, it’s difficult to pick against them, due to their incredible game sense, soccer skills, and, yes, a bit of athleticism.

Guys to watch for in England’s backfield include Kyle Walker, the Energizer Bunny of England, hustling for every loose ball, setting up his teammates, and making big plays at the rim. Wait, that last one was a basketball reference. Actually, they all were. Hopefully, you get the point on the impact of Walker’s strength, speed, and enthusiasm.

Kieran Trippier is another Englishdefenseman to keep an eye on in the final. Actually, to keep an ear on. I have little interest in Trippier’s performance, generally coming off the bench to defend a late lead. I have much interest in the pronunciation of his name, since it seems that it should be Tripp-e-YAY, and it is instead Tripp-e-er.

In the end, the Italian defense's experience and (CLICHE WARNING) moxie will prove to be the better protection.

MIDFIELD: ENGLAND

England has the clear better midfield in my book. Mason Mount has emerged as an elite option for Gareth Southgate, commanding the center of the field. Jude Bellingham isn’t old enough to vote in the US (he also couldn’t vote, because apparently he isn’t American), but he has already played meaningful minutes. Jordan Henderson is the epitome of a Premier League veteran who can always manage to contribute.

Still, Italy’s midfield looks good too, with Chiesa, a two time Man Of The Match winner at Euro 2020, making a case for the illustrious Player Of The Tournament So Far Who I Might Change My Mind On Depending On If Italy Wins Or If I Wake Up In An Hour And Realize This Was Just Hyperbole, or POTTSFWIMCMMODOIIWOIIWUIAHARTWJH. 

England’s case for mejor midfield centers around Phil Foden and Jadon Sancho, two of the most notable rising stars across the globe. This makes things very difficult for two reasons:

1. England Football’s website lists both as forwards, but Google calls them midfielders, so it’s a bit of a gray area. Naturally, I’ll pick the side that fits my arguments

2. They… don’t really play. Foden has two starts and one appearance off the pine. Sancho has the same number of substitutes, but half of the kickoff tickets as Not A Dr. Phil

Sancho and Foden clearly elevate England. They haven’t lost a single game when at least one plays. The Three Lions squad without them is yet to lose as well… but please roll with this. To quote whoever pitched an Adam Sandler/Jennifer Aniston rom-com, Just Go With It.

FORWARDS: ENGLAND

Harry Kane, the best striker in the world right now. Raheem Sterling, the comeback story of these Euros. Jack Grealish, the Jordan Clarkson off the bench spark plug of international soccer.

England is absolutely stacked in the front from a goal-scoring perspective. Italy is absolutely stacked in the front from a flopping perspective. Pick which you want. I’ll take the former.

COACHING: ENGLAND

There is a very easy formula for deducing which coach will produce the best strategy and provide the clutch substitutions:

(Moments of agony in international soccer)/1 x 1 + 4 - 4

After punching these calculations into my Texas Instrument (for those unaware, that is a calculator, not a Longhorn Clarinet or an Austin Drum), my scorecard reads Southgate 1, his blocked PK in the ‘96 Euro, Mancini 0.

Roberto Mancini comes off as a very bright manager. I love his mustachioed assistant even more. 

Still, I can’t bet on him to deploy the reserves at the right moments without heartbreak on the global stage as a player, compared to a fellow like Southgate, whose surname sounds more like a Wembley Stadium entry point than a coach, who has experienced this pain already, and can now come through when it matters most.

COUNTRY:

FOOD: ITALY ITALY ITALY ITALY ITALY

It just seems disrespectful to the disparity in cuisine quality to spend any more words on this “debate.” 

It’s like wondering how the MLB Home Run Derby would go if Juan Soto withdrew and I replaced him in the National’s quarterfinal matchup against Shohei Ohtani.

I don’t want to waste the time listing the foods from each nation, or comparing the lasagna and the crumpet.

I just want to ask you, preferably somebody not from Italy/Britain (if you’re from one of these countries, you’ve probably closed the tab by now after I accidentally insulted your homeland), one simple question:

Within 100 miles of your residence, how many “English” restaurants are there, and how many Italian restaurants are there?

This admittedly sounds a lot like an ad a scammer might use to get your address.

Leave the answer, along with your Social Security number, below in the comments for the chance to win $2 gift card to Rolex!

FLAG: ITALY

Forming a definitive opinion on which flag is superior has been one of the most difficult decisions of the Euro. 

It’s not like a Super Bowl, though, where I find myself swayed between two juggernauts. This is more of an Egg Bowl, the rivalry football game featuring Ole Miss and Mississippi State, in which I must select which lies on the friendlier side of mediocrity.

Here’s the thing: I actually like Italy’s flag more. The shade of green pops. The red column on the right is vibrant. The white in the middle works as a smooth transition within. 

The problem is, it follows the Official Flag Formula™®:

Colors on the Left/Right + White In Middle.

If the Union Jack were eligible, Great Britain would have this section locked up by halftime, with a unique design that brings the energy and color that us Flag Fanatics crave.

England had a breakaway, to put it in soccer terms, like Germany’s Robert Muller against the Englishmen in the octafinals, only to miss the net. They had so much promise, such a perfect chance to steal a category. 

And then they took a white canvas, painted a vertical red line, plus an identical one on the horizontal, made them bisect each other in the middle, and called it a day.

I may not like Italy’s generic method, but at least they produced a decent flag.

LANDMARKS: ITALY

The Colosseum trumps all. It is the crown jewel of the Mount Rushmore of landmarks. (Mount Rushmore is not on this Mount Rushmore, for those of you keeping score at home) Throw all of the bridges, golf courses, and other random buildings at me. The Colosseum alone takes this group for Italy in a landslide.

HISTORY: ITALY

The casual history fans will bet on England. Unfortunately, these bandwagons have not studied all of history. They exclusively apply their recency bias, favoring Britain and their win in the Second World War.

When we look at long term dominance, the edge goes to Italy, who, through Ancient Rome, the Joey Chestnut of empires, have demolished the rest of the world.

On the other hand, England has never brought such stability to the table, with William the Conqueror conquering (who would’ve thought he could do such a thing?) them, America zipping away, and much more turmoil.

Churchill stans, while I may side with Italy on this one, you still have a case to make with your buddies who have Caesar posters on their wall. 

Try the classic Lakers/Celtics strategy. While the Bostonians/Romans preach stability, press the asterisk. The Celtics won many a title with Bill Russell at the helm, in a league with few teams and little advancement in play. Similarly, make the case that Italy’s day in the sun came with no military technology. Now that planes and tanks run the world, it is England’s time to shine. 

CURRENCY: ENGLAND

England was getting walloped in the country criteria. I had to throw a slam dunk participation trophy in for them, to get on the scoreboard on this side of the coin. 

Every Pound is worth 1.17 Euros, a substantial edge. However, knowing me and how this half has gone for the Brits, by the time you lay eyes on this article, the same coin will equal 0.91 Euro.

 TIEBREAKER:

It all comes down to this. Each squad takes one category. Now, we must figure out how to award this trophy. When in doubt, go to a popularity contest:

Which team has more fans?

Italy has more people. I will assume that everybody in the country roots for said team, and absolutely nobody outside of those borders does. Therefore, congratulations to Italy.

(England has made an appeal, saying they will have more spectators cheering them on than Italy at the game on Sunday, due to its location of Wembley Stadium)

Therefore, we will go back to a tie. Now,

Which team has the coolest phrase to sum up their chase for the Euro?

This is the “Why Us” essay section of this column, where I will go when all else fails to determine the winner. Italy’s creative team has produced a lackluster effort this year, making zero catchphrases for their 2021 chase of the Henri Delaunay Cup. 

On the other hand, England has come through big with a repurposed slogan from 25 years ago.

IT’S COMING HOME