Puttering Around: US Open Preview

 LAST TIME ON MAJOR CHAMPIONSHIP GOLF:

Phil Mickelson was halfway to his centennial mark. Yet, physical limitations and all, he still won a MAJOR CHAMPIONSHIP. He didn’t just have a good two days at a lower echelon Tour event. He strung together FOUR days of SUPERB golf at a MAJOR tournament. If Tiger Woods hadn’t happened two years before at Augusta, it might have been the greatest achievement in the history of the game. 

Brooks Koepka and Louis OOOOOSTHUIZEN, two of the most prolific players at majors in golf, returned to the podium spots they’re accustomed to.

Rickie Fowler came a stroke away from a Masters invite. Rory McIlroy floundered at a course many thought made the Wanamaker his to lose. Erik Van Rooyen LOST HIS MIND after blasting a ball into the water. 

TONIGHT ON MAJOR GOLF:

*PARAGLIDERS FLY*

*SHEER CLIFFS APPROACH*

*BALLS ARE DROPPED INTO THE RECESSES OF THE DEEP ROUGH*

This is Torrey Pines. Where the US Open, a name synonymous with difficult, meets a course that draws, and challenges, a tough field once a year. Now, it hosts the United States Golf Association’s flagship event - the United States Open, where the average American, through a series of qualifiers, can compete for the chance to battle alongside their heroes.

This is Torrey Pines. A course that will break so many, stacking up a great list of players who missed the cut, and an even larger one of people who shot above par. But that’s the magic of golf - one must float to the top, even when there’s no clear man to accept the greatest honor in American golf, with the top player on the odds boards Jon Rahm at 10-1, and the top Americans Brooks Koepka, Bryson DeChambeau, and Dustin Johnson at 17-1. 

This is Torrey Pines, a spot that promises beauty, and affordable golf for locals, but does not attach a warning about the brutality of the 18 holes the players are about to face. This course can tear you up, so coming out afloat, with a scorecard around even is breathtaking.

This is Torrey Pines.

Parlay:

The Palmettos To Have A Championship

There to be a new Youngest Winner of a 2021 South Carolina event

Me to screw up my Garrick Higgo predictions

Tain Lee to be super cool

-20000

ONE SENTENCE SUMMARIES OF EACH ASPECT OF THE PALMETTO CHAMPIONSHIP WHICH I’M TYPING AS FAST AS WORDS ENTER MY HEAD:

It’s very early in his PGA Tour career, with this being his second start, first regular start, and first win, but I’m already convinced I will never get a Garrick Higgo prediction correct.

It is bananas that this year in South Carolina, the winners were 23, 47, and 50.

He may have dropped to 14th, but with his Saturday lead, Tain Lee has become an inspiration to every aspiring golfer, taking a chance on himself, heading to a Monday qualifier, and emerging a hero.

Congaree was fun to see.

My heart, and fingers, are racing from typing that in about 15 seconds. I apologize if those observations seem rather shallow, but what do you want me to do when I challenged myself to a contest for how quickly I could type those? Put actual thought into it?

Will the rough be

Rough (-500)

Generous (+350)

All bets are off here. It’s tough to say, given the mystery of the name, whether the rough will be rough or not. Judging by this video from Ian Poulter (I didn’t have 45 year old Ian Poulter having an active Twitter/YT page, along with editing videos and including music) though, I’m guessing it will be rough. Again though, I’ve stared at the word hundreds of times, and still have no instincts from which way it will go. 

Over/Under 300,000.5 Paragliders at Torrey Pines

One of the most iconic features of Torrey Pines isn’t any hole. 

In fact, the running joke on Torrey Pines is that every hole is forgettable. Everything is homogeneous, from the placement of hazards and bunkers to the fairway widths. I woudln’t be shocked to learn that the Bells, the architects, came up with an idea for a hole, and decided to cut/paste that 18 times. Suddenly, they realized that a few smart individuals might catch onto their copycat scheme, so they divided them into Par 3s, 4s, and 5s, just altering the lengths, and added an extra sand trap or a few more square feet of green to REALLY spruce things up.

One of the cooler quirks isn’t natural at all - it’s the human backdrop that resides above the pins. 1.2 miles away from the South Course (Fun Fact: They call it that because it’s the more Southern course! In the Grand Canyon, I saw a little boy exclaim that “It makes sense that they call it the North Rim, because it’s in the North!”) resides the Torrey Pines Gliderport. First of all, Gliderport is a godly name for a place, coupling a fun activity with a futuristic name. 

As great as the title of the business may be, what it rents out may be even cooler. An incredible adventure trip, it allows people to soar over the cliffs of San Diego. Tying into the golf, these daredevils can zip through the air above the course where a US Open Trophy, the most original name in golf, is given out. There is so much good golf content that could come through the Torrey Pines Gliderport. Here are my Top five 4, a much spicier/less challenging number, Ideas:

-As the public address announcer blares “Now on the tee… Phil Mickelson,” Lefty flies into the box, drinking a fine liquor out of the Wanamaker Cup as the fans chant “Phil! Phil! Phil!” to the tune of “Bill! Bill Bill!” from the theme song of Bill Nye The Science Guy, the greatest theme song not named KARS4KIDS. I’ll pay extra for Phil to croak “Science rules” while his head rotates on an old television. 

-After the winner sinks his final putt on Green #72, a rules official approaches the victor and informs them that the trophy is currently parachuting into the Pacific Ocean. It doesn’t matter how exhausted they are. It doesn’t matter if like the aforementioned Phil Mickelson, they are 50 years old. Tom Cruise is 58 and still achieving such stunts. US OPEN TORREY PINES: GHOST PROTOCOL. COMING TO THEATERS AND AMAZON PRIME PLUS PREMIUM GOLD SOON

-Every player must play a single round with the paragliding equipment. So, the question is, do you use your gear on a weekday and risk missing the cut? Or save the competitive disadvantage, or advantage for an adept player, for Moving Day or the all important Sunday? Fine, you got me. This is a bald-faced ploy to get Dustin Johnson, serious “I’m winning this US Open” face and all, to be dressed up in a bright yellow parachute while heading down a pivotal back nine. 

-Bryson DeChambeau and Brooks Koepka’s rivalry has been escalating for years. It’s only time they take the feud to the skies. Each has an entire golf bag worth of clubs they can repurpose as weapons for their battle against the other, as they take off from the Gliderport and skirmish over the South Course in their ultimate duel

Me to allow names to dictate my predictions (-700)

If a question mark could be capitalized, Rory McIlroy would embody it. Kiawah, the silhouette of the 2020 PGA Championship, appeared to be the major that the Northern Irishman would come through at, seeing as he won by 8 the last time the Professional Golf Association of America selected this for their biggest tournament. Instead, he battled to make the weekend, hardly seeing the TV cameras on Saturday and Sunday.

It was so perplexing - a player who won his previous start on the PGA Tour, who won his previous start at the Ocean Course, should’ve coasted (Get it! Because Kiawah is on the coast) to another Wanamaker Trophy. Nonetheless, the reason we follow the PGA Tour with such excitement every week is because it doesn’t go “how it’s supposed to.” Rory was a horse for the course, a foal for the holes in South Carolina, but could not stir, or even come close to, the pot.

Anyhow, I am still interested in Rory McIlroy this week. It doesn’t faze me that he’s never won a stroke play event on the West Coast. It’s no big deal that he hasn’t won a major after the beginning of the Golden State Warriors’ (I should get bonus points for this column for sliding a flex on my NBA team into my golf article. Well, you’d probably rather take points away for that offense) dynasty. I’m not kept up at night thinking about how Rors’ win with the roars of Quail Hollow was a fluke. I have the utmost faith in Mr. McIlroy. Why? Rory will be at Torrey, and Rhyme Time has never failed to earn me a dime, making it sublime.

Winner of the Casey At Da Bat Hometown Hero Award:

Phil Mickelson: (+420)

Xander Schauffele (-110)

The Field (+200)

Me to find a way to talk about Xander Schauffele in every major preview (-950)

One aspect I love about a US Open at Torrey is the history. There is a yearly stop on Tour, so rather than throw darts blindfolded at a field unfamiliar with the venue, yet to develop armpit hair when a major previously visited, we get to gage the players’ ability every year there, and which players perform there. 

Jon Rahm is the favorite not because the oddsmakers were looking for the most recent golfer to  catch COVID-19, but because of his resume on the North & South Courses that would make Despicable Me’s Gru turn green with envy. 

Tiger Woods’ last major win prior to his soap opera return at the 2019 Masters, a playoff against Rocco Mediate on the final time that an 18 hole playoff was utilized (I could listen to a 5 hour podcast on the merits/problems with this system. I like it in theory, until we’re on hole 13 on a Monday), came at the 08 Open at Torrey. The events that preceded his celebration may have been out of this world, but the outcome was not, given that the Enemy Of The Buffalo/Elephant/Bear had won the Buick Invitational at the Pines (do “hip” San Diegans call it that?” the 4 years leading in, and held the Non Compass-Pointing Course record.  

For Schauffele and Mickelson, this same element applies, with Phil a 3-time winner and 2-time first loser, while Xander tied for second with the entire population of La Jolla at the most recent edition of the Farmers Insurance Open.

However, it goes a layer deeper because of their childhoods, spent looking up to this fine set of fairways, bunkers, and pins, spent representing this city, spent taking in the air of one of California’s gems. Destinations like Chambers Bay and Kiawah are breathtaking, but few players grow up in the shadow of a town with 2,000 people. However, plenty of PGA Tour pros grow up in dense areas like Southern California, like Xander and Phil, and are given the opportunity to do their hometowns proud at a major.

As Schauffele and Mickelson head home, big stakes lie on the coffee tables they ate breakfast on before school. For Xander, it’s an increased and increased impatience, wanting to finally break through and win that elusive major, after 7 trips to the top 6. Phil does not have such urgency, with the recent PGA Championship the world’s most valuable feather in his cap, but a US Open win, if he could again beat not one but two great sports stereotypes, Father Time and The Odds, would vault him near Keystone, South Dakota, and close to the Mount Rushmore discussion as he collects his Grand Slam.

Over/Under 300.5 Americans Who Know That Patrick Cantlay Is The FedEx Cup Standings Leader

Patrick Cantlay has found one of the greatest niches in golf. Some try to make their “thing” being the best golfer at golf, like Tiger Woods. Others, such as John Daly or Phil Mickelson, build their reputation on a certain part of their game, like driving or chipping.

Cantlay’s identity is not having one at all. According to the Official World Golf Ranking, Cantlay is the 7th best player on Earth. Somehow, unlike the Top 6, or even the rest of the Top 20, few could assign a face to the initials commonly used for “Political Correctness.” All of the players who grace that list share recent buzz, be it controversy for Patrick Reed, sudden glory for Hideki Matsuyama, or heartbreak for Xander Schauffele.

Cantlay is neither loved nor loathed by fans. Yes, he won at Muirfield Village, but the par he made to defeat Collin Morikawa in a playoff, where the 2020 PGA Championship Champion could only muster a bogey, was overshadowed by Jon Rahm’s COVID-related withdrawal whilst up 6 strokes. His only major Top 8, a T3 at the 2019 PGA at Bethpage, saw him 4 strokes behind the first runner-up, and 6 out of a playoff.

If the Tour Championship teed off today, Cantlay would start with a two stroke lead on Bryson DeChambeau, the second place possessor in the FedEx (Side Note: Isn’t the arrow inside the FedEx logo amazing?” Cup standings. Yet, to this point, he is unexposed to the average golf fan. Until he makes some noise at a weighty event, Patrick Cantlay will just exist. 

What Song/Statement will Jon Rahm come out to on Thursday?

“Are You RRReady to RRRahmble?” (+150)

I’m Back by Eminem (+400)

My House by Flo Rida (+640)

The Entire Soundtrack of Rambo (+800)

It’s past midnight on the day of the US Open, so I probably should be heading to bed. A writer better than I would say that you should probably delete this section, given that it has no relevance since you can’t fully explain your take on Rahm heading into one of his favorite courses after COVID interrupted what should have been a resounding win at Memorial. Unfortunately for that person, I am too proud of my ideas for Rahm walk-up songs to rip them to shreds. 

Over/Under 200 Replays of Patrick Reed’s Antics at the Farmers Insurance

We take you back to January, for the kickoff of the year of CBS on PGA Tour, and with it, the most important chunk of the season, for the last time the PGA Tour’s best looked out over the cliffs adjacent to the Pacific and submerged their clubs into the ocean we call the Torrey Pines rough…

This column did not yet exist. A force far stronger than my yearning to churn out long, fun content on the PGA Tour was present. Its name was not Puttering Around, even if they shared a first initial. He (It? Or he? Where does one classify an android on the gender spectrum?) was called Patrick Reed, and his impulses to cheat could not be summarized by terms approved in Merriam-Webster’s product.

The scandal was naturally compelling, because of the man behind it. Reed’s history of hostility and hoaxing set him up for a role as the scapegoat. In reality, it was an uninteresting debate of whether or not a ball was embedded. Thrilling stuff, right? Maybe if we’re lucky, at the US Open, an opportunity will arise to confer on a player taking an improper drop or clipping a few grains of sand in the bunker!

Out of a boring story, made more engrossing by someone who will go down a top villain in the annuls of the PGA Tour, arrived something much better than peering through a magnifying glass in rulebooks and dictionaries in search of a definitive Reed Ruling or Patrick Pronouncement. 

It was the two best words in sports. Not Game Seven. Not Extra Innings/Time. Much better than even staple events like Super Bowl, World Series, or March Madness. Burner Account.

An account called @useGolfFACTS, a top tier handle because it’s “facts” so it can’t be wrong, began tweeting pro-Reed messaging, which in and of itself is suspicious, because I’m yet to meet a Reed stan in the flesh. Even stranger, the statements from Reed’s verified account and this blank avatar-ed creature who made use of true statements pertaining to hitting a dimpled ball were identical, in retweeted content, word choice, capitalization, and grammar.

I thought we had our fun with Reed, but as robots do, he became more aware, and ditched @UseGolfFacts, perhaps for @DontUtilizeAstronomyFalsehoods, or another burner that would once again obscure his identity. I’ve never been happier to be wrong.

At the Memorial Tournament, Patrick and wife Justine Reed were not ready to make their profile with 15,400+ followers a memory of the past. He defended himself, I mean their “favorite golfer” Patrick Reed, insulted media members who would dare criticize him, and roasted everything about Bryson DeChambeau, from the armlock putting to the expulsion of “Brooksie” chanting spectators at the request of Koepka’s rival.

If you’re a fan of burner accounts, it’s time to get your hopes up. I have faith in this week. Reed will be accompanied by former Farmers champions (it just sounds funny to say Farmers champions, suggesting they won an agriculture competition) Jon Rahm and Marc Leishman on the weekday pairing. 

If we’re all good boys and girls, we may get a reward at the end of the week. Maybe, just maybe, if Reed, or one of the other competitors, gets embroiled in a controversy,  we will receive the ultimate prize - content from @useGolfFACTS. Until then, say your prayers and cross your fingers for the greatest mid-June gift ever.

Culmination of the Brooks Koepka/Bryson DeChambeau beef:

Nothing/Lack of Closure (+130)

Pay-Per-View In Golf (+225)

Pay-Per-View In Boxing/MMA (+1000)

Pay-Per-View In Something Else (+3400)

Holding Hands on Sesame Street And Agreeing They Had “Misunderstood” Each Other (+3400)

Conceivably, I duped a few of you, and you believed I would spend too much time on walk-up songs, paragliding, and burners to lock in on the big drama of the week. You were wrong. As much as I love rhymes, I would drop talking about Rory At Torrey in a heartbeat to dig into one of my favorite things in sports: the soap opera quality drama.

Bryson and Brooks have had so many great barbs exchanged over the years. DeChambeau denigrating Koepa’s abs, only for the PGA/US Open double champ to respond with his trophy count. Brooks giving the world’s greatest eye roll in response to a comment by his foil. Bryson allegedly doing all he can to dodge Brooks’ burns, from kicking out spectators jeering “Brooksie” to declining a pairing in the US Open with Koepka. And that’s just to name a few!

Many are disappointed that DeChambeau nixed the USGA’s suggestion of a pairing with his foe. I certainly wasn’t happy that we didn’t get the matchup I wanted since the PGA Championship and the release of the Eye Roll Heard Round The World. Somehow, I can’t say I’m crushed about it. 

I would enjoy the next two days of golf more if the two were going at it in the same group. Still, in the long term, I think this move is better for the rivalry. If the USGA went over the Mad Scientist’s head and placed them together, we would watch them play golf, and we would make jokes and laugh. But not much of substance would happen; it would probably be pretty standard weekday golf, with few taunts. It would lack the intensity we crave in this matchup, as their main competition would not be the other, but the rest of the 144 man field.

I desperately want a Brooks/Bryson pairing on the weekend, preferably a Sunday. That way, it will not just be two guys playing golf together who hate each other, a common occurrence in the business sector. It’ll be two guys playing golf together who hate each other, who recognize that exactly one of them can win the US Open, cranking the intensity and loathing as far as they can go.

We may have to wait a while for a Bryson/Brooks final pairing, especially in a major, and especially especially in a US Open. Until then, we’ll have to come up with some more ideas for how Bryson and Brooks can duke it out with maximum vigor:

-See paragliding idea. No, I’m not just copying other theories from my column to save time, not sure what you’re talking about. I’m simply maximizing efficiency

-An oldie (not really, it’s a fairly new innovation) but a goodie - PPV boxing match that 90% of viewers will pirate

-Call up Fernando Tatis, the coolest person in San Diego, and ask him who’s better

-See who would win a game of Connect Four if there’s a Saturday rain delay. Both would suck at the game. Brooks because he wouldn’t be focusing on the board, he’d be checking his phone, chatting with somebody, or making fun of DeChambeau. Bryson for the opposite reason, because he’d be overly focused - rather than see all of the happenings, he’d zero in on his move, completely forgetting about Koepka’s actions

-PGA Tour 2K21. Both would hate the game, but be excellent about it. Bryson would wail about how he can’t slurp protein shakes and hit 600 yard drives, but take advantage of the physics and mathematics one can use in such a game. Brooks would complain about how he can’t buy and use all the outfits on Day 1, but Brooks Koepka comes off as that friend you have who is freakishly good at video games

-Scratch all of these crazy concepts. I’ll settle for a final pairing at the US Open of Brooks Koepka and Bryson DeChambeau. Let’s just do that.

The list of big time threats has never been longer. The lack of an overwhelming favorite for each and every major has never been more apparent. And the barrage of storylines is whopping.

From Jon Rahm’s course history, but battle with COVID, to what is already golf’s greatest rivalry between Brooks Koepka and Bryson DeChambeau to Jordan Spieth and Rory McIlroy vying to return to the major winner’s circle, this US Open will have it all. Savor it. Guzzle every second of this final American major of 2020.