Puttering Around: Charles Schwab Challenge

 VENDING MACHINE OF THE WEEK: JASON KOKRAK

For more than 35 years of his life, Jason Kokrak had never made himself familiar with the special, euphoric celebration that comes after a victory on the PGA Tour. Over the fall, the CJ Cup, scheduled for its yearly stop in Korea, instead flew across the Atlantic to Las Vegas. At Shadow Creek, after 233 unsuccessful attempts, Jason Kokrak finally won on the hardest place to win on Earth. 

Then, I suppose he got addicted to that winning feeling like a poker player collecting black chip after black chip, and decided to do it again. After that grind, Jason Kokrak has had a past 7 months in which “successful” would be a term of understatement. 

This week at Colonial Country Club, Jason Kokrak etched his name in the annals of an event dominated by Ben Hogan so many years ago, thanks to the combination which so frequently wins tournaments - length and accuracy off the tee (1st in strokes gained driving) and a reliable ability to finish off the 72 sectors of his scorecard (7th in strokes gained putting).

He is one of three PGA members with 2 wins this season, which began with the September Safeway Open. (FULL DISCLOSURE: September is the month, not the sponsor. Safeway is the sponsoring grocery store, not the location. Just FYI in case you didn’t realize) He, along with Bryson DeChambeau, are the only people with 2 such victories since a 125 million year old dinosaur was discovered in China, found on the same day as the Mad Scientist’s life-changing win at Winged Foot. Most impressively, Jason Kokrak is the ONLY person, out of nearly 8 billion humans, who can say (truthfully; anyone can say this if they want. I’ve certainly lied and stated this a fair number of times) they’ve won twice since a Canadian tween stumbled across a 69 million year old dino fossil.

I would love to spend time talking about Kokrak’s out-of-nowhere improvement on the greens. I want to spend even more time breaking down the correlations between Jason Kokrak’s wins and the unearthings of prehistoric dinosaur bones.

Right now, I’m going to delve into a cause far more salient - the similarities between Jason Kokrak and a vending machine. By the end of this, my goal is for you to be convinced that the 2021 Charles Schwab Challenge champion IS a soda vendor. 

Let’s start with his name. The obvious item of note is the surname, pronounced Coke-Rack. This merits no explanation, but I want to make myself look smarter by giving one: Coke is short for Coca-Cola. A rack is like a frame or stand. A sugary, carbonated beverage inside such a shelf equals a vending machine. 

In addition, his first name of Jason deserves a mention to support my case. In Greek mythology, Jason was the leader of the Argonauts, and partook in a quest for the Golden Fleece. I’m not quite sure how that ties into soft drinks, so I’ll let you produce that part of my reasoning for me. 

A couple of hints for ways of going about it: They drink soda in Greece, some flavors of pop are golden, an Argonaut is another name for a participant in the California Gold Rush, which led to the Gold Rush Soda Company. 

Lastly, in the way of names, he does not have a title between his first name and and surname. You know who else didn’t have a middle name? Modern vending machine creator Percival Everitt.

Kokrak was also born in Canada. You may be familiar with Canada Dry and their fizzy beverages, or maybe their vending machines.

Lastly, the Canadian born American bears striking resemblance to a vending machine due to his appearance. Both his body and face are extremely square, with the same right angles as a soda dispenser.

Jason Kokrak won his second event of the PGA’s “super-season.” Yet, with this week’s superhuman showing, he took home something far better: a legitimate, thought out comparison to a vending machine.

GLITCH IN THE MATRIX AWARD: T69

COUNTRY OF THE WEEK: VENEZUELA

In the OWGR, there are 3 players from Venezuela in the Top 800, three of the top five South Americans in the wide world of golf. The entire trio happened to be in Fort Worth, Texas at Colonial Club to hit drives, putts, and every shot in between.

One, Sebastian Muñoz, the mejor de los tres, went for an amazing week, tying for third to sail from 75th to 64th in the aforementioned system of rankings.

As special as his run to the almost-top of the leaderboard was, almost two years after his sole Tour win in Mississippi, his narrative looks like back page news compared to the craziness of his two fellow countrymen.

Let’s start with the names, as every good discussion does - Villegas and Vegas. When you see something like that on the tee times, it’s time to steal a page from the book of the Utah Jazz and take note. 

Villevegas (that’s their celebrity couple name) not only each earned spots in the weekend by virtue of scores in the Top 75, but found themselves even at 69th place when the dust settled. If your mind does not either A. Boggle/be boggled or B. Jump to 20 different conspiracy theories, we are not on the same wavelength.

Is it time to investigate the Venezuelan government for cloning? Stick around next week and find out

 

BUZZWORD OF THE WEEK: CHALLENGE

Jason Kokrak may have shot 14 strokes under par, but this week was anything but easy. Don’t believe the “Analytics” which tell you that plenty of pros flourished at Colonial. Resist the nonsense about the several players at 8 under par or better.

You may have watched last year’s US Open at Winged Foot, where Bryson DeChambeau was the only player to record a score under the predicted par of 280. Last week, you may have applied Elmer’s Glue to your eyes, to connect them with the television set broadcasting Phil Mickelson’s epic way back to the glory of a major win, where scores above par weren’t just common, but expected. 

Still, I maintain that this week’s trip to Fort Worth was the most difficult of the entire 2020-21 season calendar. I could point you to the 3rd through 5th holes, known as the Horrible Horseshoe to make my case. I could point out that a course known as Colonial, in the town of Fort Worth, sounds an awful lot like a brewing war.

I won’t make those arguments. Because it is this simple: there is only one event all year on the PGA Tour known as a Challenge. It is this week’s skirmish - the Charles Schwab Challenge.

When the PGA Tour says something, I believe them. That’s why I exclusively ship packages, all filled with Callaway golf balls, through FedEx. So, when they proclaim that this is the Charles Schwab CHALLENGE, I will buy it, even if the fraudulent “strokes under par” system disagrees. 

This is the toughest challenge on tour. This is the most intense challenge on tour. This is the only “challenge” on tour.

Congratulations to Jason Kokrak, Jordan Spieth, and the rest of the leaderboard. You excelled at the most difficult challenge on the most difficult tour.

HE DID NOT WIN AWARD: JORDAN SPIETH

Due to Jordan Spieth, one of the most likable players in the game, and right now, arguably the best given his 2021 form, playing some of the most outstanding Thursday-Saturday golf of the year, before meeting up with his old friend Mr. Yips (he prefers Yannick Yips Esq. but we don’t have the respect for him to call him that) on Sunday to allow Jason Kokrak to win the Charles Schwab Challenge on Day 4 with a mere par round, I feel legally obligated to talk about him, in the interest of dodging the wrath of the IRS at age 15, but don’t have anything profound to add to what those smarter than me have already said. 

Wow! That was a 117 word sentence! For someone who had nothing to say I sure said a lot there.

MAN OF THE HOUR: CHARLES SCHWAB

There are only two people ever to roam this planet who have PGA Tour events named after them. 

One is Arnold Palmer, who is honored at the yearly stop in Orlando, where the MasterCard (fun super boring fact: Ahead of its 2017 edition, the sponsor was changed from “Mastercard” to “mastercard”) sponsored event is given invitational, elevated field status, leading to notable winners of late like Bryson DeChambeau and Rory McIlroy. 

Tiger Woods’ dominance at Bay Hill is well-documented as well - his 8 trips to Disney World (I don’t think that’s something they do after winning the Arnold Palmer, but go with it) consist of three streaks of consecutive wins, including a stretch of four straight years, an entire presidential term, where he guzzled Arnie’s iced tea/lemonade beverage (another tradition which probably doesn’t take place here), leading by a combined 20 strokes over the first half of George W. Bush’s time in the Oval Office.

The other man with his name on a PGA Tour event? Charles Schwab. Golf fans might be unfamiliar with the name, but fans of rich people, if such stans exist, certainly are, with the founder of investment company Charles Schwab (who would’ve thought?), and his business empire. 

With that in mind, let’s count down the 5 most notable similarities between Arnold Palmer and Charles Schwab, the only specimens with a weeklong battle on the Tour bearing their names:

5. Both could own at least 70 billion pennies if they wanted to take out all their money in bronze Abraham Lincolns

4. Both were born in states with at least 20 electoral votes in the 2020 election. NHL representatives of their lands also clashed in the 2016 Stanley Cup Finals

3. Both have drinks named after them. Arnold’s is a well-known one. When you’re as rich and famous as Chuckles (that’s Charles Schwab’s new nickname FYI), you have to have a beverage in your name. I have read Internet rumblings of a Schwab Tonic, presumably named for Chuckles. Michelob Ultra is another of Schwab’s favorite refreshments, joining Brooks Koepka in that regard, seeing as the fans at Charles’ event in 2019 slurped MU like no other liquid on the menu. The best guess, however, is not a logical assumption like those, but a ridiculous guess based on a stereotype of who Charles Schwab is. Given his renowned achievements in banking, it only makes sense to make his drink green, like money. Perhaps did Schwab just take the Mint Julep and name it after himself?

2. Both have exactly one A in both their first and last names, and not in the final letter. Plus, excluding Charles, which has 7 letters, each name, first and last has 6 letters. Perhaps to even each title out, we can utilize an irregular spelling and abbreviate Schwab’s first name to Charle or Charli

1. Both were under 10 years old for the publication of the first issue of The Beano comic, and above 60 for the theatrical release of Ice Age

MOMENT OF THE TOURNAMENT: THE DUEL

An all over the place leaderboard is a blast. Take last year’s PGA Championship, where I stuffed metaphorical popcorn in my mouth for hours, as there were so many contenders for the Wanamaker Trophy that CBS could not contain them all on their leaderboard.

Still, what I ask for in finishes to professional golf tournaments is not the same roller coaster, over and over again. It’s a number of different thrill rides, each exciting in their own way.

Right from the finish of my final week of school, it was clear how the next two days would go down. It would be the revived Jordan Spieth, in the lead by a stroke. It would be the skyrocketing Jason Kokrak, ahead of all others by two. 

It would be a duel, as they fought it out in the final pairing through both weekend days, never relinquishing a spot in the Top 2. It was a 2-man battle, with all eyes on them for the 2021 Charles Schwab Challenge. It was a delight to watch them spar for position like drivers at the front of a race, trying to get that slight edge, before some slight Sunday engine sputters pushed Kokrak’s nose across the finish line in first place.