Puttering Around: Zurich Classic Recap

 Oscar for Best Song: The Mullet Song

When Cameron Smith and Marc Leishman teed off on Thursday, the attention was not on the hands which grasped their clubs. A couple feet above those fingers stood something far better. A mullet which has made me a Cameron Smith fan for as long as those blond locks fly out of his hat. A mullet that has made my father root against him for as long as he looks like an 80s music star. A mullet which prompted the Australian duo to make their walk-up melody on tee #1 the Mullet Song. As spectacular as the mullet is, the golf was ALMOST as superb. From Cameron Smith’s consistent ability to putt to Marc Leishman’s clutch birdie chip-in on Sunday, which wound up being the reason the Aussies got a playoff opportunity against the Oostmaster General and Charl Schwartzel to win the Zurich Classic of New Orleans. In the playoff, there was no shot they hit RIGHT (unlike my buddy Louis Oosthuizen, who smacked his drive well right of the fairway, and into the Louisiana swamp), but no shots WRONG. They saw the Outstanding Oosthuizen mash the tee ball into the marsh, and played things smart from there. While I felt downcast for my South African pal, I smiled as the Cammullet drained the first of two “make this to win” putts. After the exuberant New Orleans crowd serenaded the Aussies came my roller coaster of emotions. First, I heard the CBS broadcast team mention that Cam Smith told his girlfriend he’d retire the mullet after a win. Until Amanda Ballonis stepped on the course to interview the 2-time Zurich Classic champion, I felt queasy. I could hardly imagine Cam without his greatest feature. Then, during the interview, the fisherman announced the mullet was here to stay. All problems on Earth were solved. Hungry bellies suddenly became full. Men at war dropped their weapons. And we all lived happily ever after thanks to the Great Mullet...

Oscar for Best Picture: Billy Horschel and Sam Burns

During Sunday’s Academy Awards, the “Best Picture” referred to the year’s best film, going to Nomadland, which also took home the Best Director and Best Actress awards. In the case of the Casey At Da Bat Zurich Classic Recap, the phrase means the best image of the week. This was a tight competition. We saw a moment reminiscent of a HIMYM episode where Robin resuscitated somebody, delivered a baby, and more craziness on her morning talk show while her friends had the show muted and were looking away: Graeme McDowell and Matt Wallace lost their minds after a hole-in-one, whilst the Fisher Investment lady touted their lack of cookie cutter portfolio. (Advice to advertisers: Don’t use the word cookie in a negative light. I will use the service with the most mentions of cookies positively, and Fisher has fallen out of the top five of my money management firm rankings as a result) As mentioned earlier, we saw Marc Leishman sport a mullet wig while teaming up with the Cammullet. 

In the end, after tough competition, the Academy made the correct choice, electing the “So Fresh, So Clean” picture that Billy Horschel posted of he and event partner Sam Burns replicating the album cover of OutKast’s Stankonia. Selecting this as the Best Picture was a difficult decision in and of itself with the stacked list of nominees. A task even tougher is picking the best part of the image the WGC Match Play champion posted on Twitter. You have Sam Burns staring into the distance, combining a glare of intensity for the photo and a look of “Why am I doing this?” Horschel doubles down on the awkward dad energy we’ve previously discussed, striking a pose that shouts “Hello, fellow kids.” Credit to the former Gator for his complete commitment to the bit, though. Finally, you have the “Parental Advisory Explicit Content” label accompanying two guys in formal pants, polo shirts, and baseball caps preparing to play four days of golf. In a totally real statement Horschel sent me to accept his award for a portrait that makes an excellent argument for the theory that a picture is worth a thousand words, he thanked the Academy, and guaranteed that to demonstrate his gratitude, he would not throw a tantrum over the course of his next nine holes of televised golf. 

(Alliterative Nickname) Award: Cameron Champ and Tony Finau

When I saw Cameron Champ & Tony Finau teaming up in this field, I was thrilled. As a proponent for more neon representation, I appreciated their representation of my cause at The Masters, where each wore a highlighter green. I coined the term “Neon Nassassins,” because I could not find an alliterative partner for “Neon.” The best I could muster for their pairing this week was Glittering Gunmen, which sounds more like a Fortnite skin than a golf team. Still, The Blazing Butchers’ performance was far more impressive than my ability to name duos after the color of their polos. As expected, the Neon Ninjas walloped the golf ball during their march to the part of the golf course with the same name as the color of their bright shirts, with Champ living up to his reputation as one of the best drivers on tour, ranking first this week in strokes gained off the tee. These Bedazzling Bombers rode that advantage tee-to-green to a co-lead entering the weekend, and a stroke behind the great Oosthuizen in the lead on Saturday evening. As many expected, the putter proved to be their undoing, with neither cracking the top 30 in strokes gained on the green, a catalyst in the Sunday 76 for the Effulgent Executioners. Finau kept us fans of the Bright Barbarians entertained throughout the week, as we hoped that his fellow Dazzling Destroyer Cameron Champ could help him break through for his first win since the ‘16 Puerto Rico Open. In the end, Finau’s shirt colors this week of pink, black, and everything in between kept golf polo aficionados such as myself interested, but sadly, once again, his Shining Slayers could not break through and get that elusive win.

NOTICE: Venmo me royalties if you use any of the 8 nicknames I gave during that paragraph for a 6 year old soccer team with neon green jerseys. Unless you name your team the Effulgent Executioners. If you do that, Twitter DM me your town and I’ll fly out to watch a bunch of toddlers named the Effulgent Executioners play soccer and Venmo you money for naming your team a word that members of their team may not be familiar with for decades.

OOOOOOOSTHUIZEN AWARD: Louis Oosthuizen

Since the inception of this column, I’ve been a Louis Oosthuizen stan. So far, the moments have solely been fun, since I keep my expectations low. If I were a Justin Thomas supporter, I would have to groan at every start which did not result in a Top 5. As an Oosthuizealot, everything is icing at the cake. I beam at the birdies and do not berate the bogeys. For the first time, this weekend, I had high hopes after witnessing the Oosthority gallop up the Zurich Classic leaderboard with partner Charl Schwartzel. Then, their Sunday 18 was solid, hanging with the Australians throughout. On the playoff hole, I finally met disappointment with the Artisthuizen, when his ball met wetland, and I realized this would not be victory for the South Africans. Still, the Oostimrunningoutofnamesforhim proved he can hang with the best of them, and has an excellent chance of doing so at one of the three remaining 2021 majors. Be warned, if Oostie can take victory, I will morph into the most insufferable, loud Alabama football fan. 

Backup Plan Award: Bubba Watson and Scottie Scheffler

A common phrase in sports is “Athletes: They’re just like us!” Generally, it’s used for something expected, like a player who has a family. My favorite instances are using it for silly stuff athletes do that I can totally relate to, like Mookie Betts chomping on a gold chain or LaMelo Ball looking down, presumably at a cell phone, before looking up as the camera set its glance on him. Bubba Watson and Scottie Scheffler fulfilled such a moment over the past few weeks, where per Scheffler in a press conference, they were each other’s 30000000000th option. As Nick Faldo recounted on Sunday’s CBS broadcast, the duo asked person after person if they wanted to participate with them, before finally, after every alumnus of their alma maters University of Texas and Georgia, and perhaps even every person in the aforementioned states, of any age and golf ability, they settled on each other. They performed well, tying for 8th at 4/3s dozens under par. Still, I would pay a good buck to burrow into their phones and see what those interactions were like. In fact, the investigative journalism team at Casey At Da Bat has made a calculated estimate (read: completely wild guess) of what those text transcripts looked like:

BW: This is Bubba Watson. I obtained your contact information from the phone book

SS: Sup

BW: Wanna team up for ZC?

SS: How many ppl u asked?

BW: Ummm u were my 1st option

SS: U sure?

BW: *11th

SS: Srsly?

BW: *111th

SS: Lemme get back to you

A Month Later…

BW: U in?

SS: Maybe. After asking 34 people, I might just dress up a dead guy and control him via an intricate pulley system

BW: Like Weekend At Bernie’s?

SS: ?

BW: Nvm. If you opt for me over an inanimate object, I’ll throw in tix to my Pensacola Blue Wahoos

SS: Where?

BW: Upper deck, row 24

SS: Upper Deck, Row 1

BW: Upper deck, row 23

SS: Upper deck, row 2

…

BW: Deal. Row 13, one 71% off soda voucher, and you get to pick what song we play during the 7th inning stretch, but you have to catch for me when I throw the first pitch

SS: Sure. Cya in Montgomery

BW: New Orleans

Norwegian Cowboys Of The Week: Viktor Hovland and Kris Ventura

Just a friendly reminder that there are two fellows on the PGA Tour and teamed up in the Zurich Classic who grew up in Norway, and then moved to Stillwater, Oklahoma to attend college and golf at OK State, going from skiers to cowboys

Fun Format Of The Week: Doubles

In golf, I would love more innovative ways of staging tournaments. 72 hole solo stroke play battles are arguably the best way to determine a golf event, and should stay at the majors and oodles of other tourneys. Still, there are so many fun ways of determining the champion throughout the year. The WGC Match Play brings an intriguing set of challenges. Pro-Ams are always a blast. Par 3 challenges never cease to entertain. Still, we don’t have many of these cool concepts on tour. So, it’s vital we enjoy this joyous week of teams of two. The best ball set-up on Thursdays and Saturdays is a relaxing, enjoyable birdie party. Each player plays their own ball, and chances are, one will manage to find the cup one stroke prior to par. Those days work as a calm, pleasant celebration of golf in New Orleans, a perfect recipe for a happy afternoon on the couch, drifting in and out of the action. Friday and Sunday carry a similar, if not greater, Fun Quantity™, but in a very different way. The second and fourth rounds are alternate shot, where the duo switches off whacking the same dimples. The lack of rhythm and abundance of pressure makes for scorecards with slightly higher numbers, with every birdie looked at as a gift and each par a relief. Take the team of Collin Morikawa and Matthew Wolff, who looked to be one of the favorities, and looked fine after Thursday, only to shoot a Friday 76 and missed the cut. Sunday at the Zurich is one of the best days of golf, with a competitive field (most of the favored top teams held spots near the top of the Louisiana leaderboard) fighting in a difficult format to get to the top, leading to plenty of legendary turn-around moments, like Marc Leishman’s chip-in, a wealth of 2 shot swings, and more. There’s a reason 2 of the 4 Zurich Classics have been determined by a playoff, and another by a single stroke, since they added the team event feature. It’s because of the competitive, edge-of-your-seat golf that the alternate shot fosters. 

Moment Of The Tournament: Playoffs?!

There’s nothing better in professional golf than a playoff. For 4 days, players had fought, teeing off at different times and separately rallying up the leaderboard. After several, several shots, they stood at the top, tied. After 72 holes to gain separation, they remained grounded, as tight as can be. In the Zurich Classic, this was amplified by two things: the 2v2 style, in which each player was not just fighting for themself, but trying to attain that PGA Tour win for a partner, and the fact that these two teams had been facing off in the same group for the past 18 holes, but stayed deadlocked. So, they filled out their scoresheets. They hit the gas on their carts. And it was ON. We didn’t have a clue what was coming next. We didn’t guess that the Unstoppable Oosthuizen wouldn’t just miss the fairway, but fail to touch dry land. Still, we buckled our seat belts and strapped in, for an experience where we didn’t know what was to come, but fully understood that it would be havoc. This mentality could not be summed up better than by this fan, shouting “Playoffs” at the top of his lungs to imitate Jim Mora’s 2001 tirade. He wasn’t sure which of the two strongest forces in golf - the Cammullet or Oostmaster General would prevail. He didn’t have a horse in the race. Our random fan just yearned for a perfect cap for an excellent day of golf, and he got his wish.