Puttering Around: Players Championship Recap

 20-1?! Award: Justin Thomas

Golfers routinely steal tournaments, bad odds and all. At the Genesis Invitational, Max Homa opened at 45-1 and Tony Finau’s likelihood of victory was valued at 33-1. Nevertheless, the two went to a playoff, with the former securing his second PGA win at his hometown course. Justin Thomas’ odds? 20-1, much more viable. Yet, as Thomas celebrated his final putt, millions (if we’re gonna exaggerate, let’s go all in) trillions of gamblers, plus me giving weekly “I just feel like __” picks, fixated on the Players Championship wept, realizing that they had the World Golf Rankings #3, a WGC, FedEx Cup, major winner, and the reigning PGA Player Of The Year at +2000. I’m 90% sure George Washington and Thomas Jefferson glance down at the landmass they turned into the United States of America and facepalm, not over our democracy, but about the horde of golf geeks who overlooked one of the best golfers in the world, at one of the biggest tournaments, with some odds better than the ones on Paul Pierce stating the correct winner of an NBA game.

Thomas had a quiet first two days, with back to back -1s. That doesn’t quite merit a 36 hole lead, with Thomas trailing Lee Westwood, the 2 day leader, by 7 strokes on Friday night, but it set him up for some chance at the most lucrative first place check in golf, with a weekend better than the one at Bernie’s. If Thomas discovered a DeLorean, hot tub, or other device of time travel, he would know that to win the Players, he would need to shoot TWELVE strokes under par for those final two days. Also, if he found such a gadget, I would advise focusing less on golf and more on gambling and investing, with his insight into the future. Yet, he clawed all the way up the leaderboard with some astonishing ball striking.

He averaged over 3.2 strokes gained tee to green per day. Second best at the Players in that stat was Jason Day at 2.78. Only Thomas, Day, and Charles Howell III (golfer, not investment banker. Though I’m pretty sure it’s an FCC violation if an investment banker doesn’t relish a good eighteen holes) averaged over 2.31 strokes gained tee to green. Thomas also hit his first 17 greens in regulation on Sunday, falling short on the final hole with his wedge in a way that would make any detail/stat-obsessed person flinch. These eagles didn’t hurt either. Justin Thomas is most definitely back, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. According to Absolutely No Sources, Thomas was a missed cut away from being photoshopped off the cover of PGA Tour 2K21. Now, he’s safe for another three weeks, before the executives get restless again.

Scaring Tony Finau Award: Lee Westwood

Lee Westwood comes off as one of the friendliest golfers on tour. During his Saturday 68, he grinned and waved to the adoring fans (pretty sure I have to use the word “adoring” before “fans” to get a sportswriter license), and even raised the roof after a brilliant putt. Sadly for his Mr. Nice Guy image, he happens to be an outstanding golfer, in case you couldn’t tell from his PGA Tour card and several million dollars in lifelong earnings. Last week, I touched on the jolt of fear Westwood sent into Father Time’s notional body. 

This week, he infringed on Tony Finau’s title. Finau is the Good Guy of golf - his February loss in a playoff at Riviera elicited hundreds of “How can Tony Finau never win?!” reactions. Westwood is dashing up the “Always the Bridesmaid, Never The Bride” leaderboard, with back-to-back second place finishes. Some might call that spot “first loser.” Not me. Especially when the alleged first loser receives over $2.5 million for those two bouts of first loseriness. If the Englishman/Brit/UKer shot a Sunday 70, which would’ve been his worst score of his stint at Ponte Verde, he would’ve hoisted the Cool Gold Trophy That Doesn’t Seem To Have A Name. Sadly, a difficult final day littered with missed fairways kept him away from the CGTTDSTHAN. Suddenly, the narrative for the perennial runner-up has travelled like a Japanese subway from “Can he make the cut at Augusta?” to “Can he WIN a green jacket” at the upcoming Masters.

OOSTHUIZEN Award: Louis Oosthuizen

A solid -2 for the Oostster. He made the cut. Evidently, the best name in sports is once again playing Star Wars holochess while the rest of the PGA plays WAR. I didn’t wake up today wanting to wage war on WAR, but there is no ANYTHING to that game - you have no control of whether you get a higher or lower card. If you savor a good game of WAR, I have a PPV doubleheader to sell you: flipping a coin 1,000 times, followed by paint drying for 3 hours. Captivating TV! Speaking of captivating television, Louis Oosthuizen will exemplify just that among the azaleas at Augusta in April. Some top pros, like Bryson DeChambeau overwork themselves, leaving themselves fatigued come major time. Others, like Rusty Dusty (Dustin Johnson, for those who fall short of reading into the deep recesses of my brain), coast into the Masters, and sleepwalk until it’s too little, too late. Oostie hits the middle ground like a politician vying for votes from both parties - he’s playing dependable golf right now, with 4 straight cuts to open 2021, but is not overtaxing himself, putting him in perfect position to put on a green jacket in less than a month. Hopefully, that blazer originates from a golf course, not a strip mall.

Scaring Sabbatini Award: Jordan Spieth

OK, fine, this will be the last “Scaring” Award for the week. Unless I think of something else. But when confronted by the poetry of the alliterative phrase “Scaring Sabbatini,” I’m about as likely to say no as the Colorado Rockies when offered a few loose regifted trinkets from an acquaintance’s trip to Europe in exchange for generational talent Nolan Arenado.

This week brought plenty of gizmos from NBC’s coverage of the Players, displaying wind trackers that gave me more headaches than pieces of information, but looked really smart. More notably, they administered a program allowing golf junkies to watch every single shot of the Players Championship. Sure, this gave fans access to plenty more opportunities to learn about the game, yadda yadda. More importantly, it steered PGA enthusiasts into so many hysterical moments, at random points in rounds, shrouded by not occurring on Hole #15 in the lead group on a Day 4, but still makes the pros guffaw every time they hear it. This coverage of the Players granted fans the same opportunity to behold these amusing moments.

One of the best examples of this came in just another round out on TPC Sawgrass, with Rory Sabbatini and Jordan Spieth, with neither in the spotlight, both behind the event’s kingpins by a hefty margin. Spieth thumped a pretty drive, with Sabbatini up a few hundred yards. The ball swerved left, bounced off a tree, and missed The Other Rory by a hair. Spieth and Collin Morikawa, playing in the same group as the Texan, finally witnessing the South African turned Slovakian almost get decapitated, and sharing a look of “What just almost happened?!”  That would’ve been entertaining enough, a crazy shot. Afterwards, we got some content that Kim Kardashian would’ve envied, with Sabbatini being one of the most bellicose guys on tour, with a documented history of anger. After the dude who sounds like a cocktail at an Italian restaurant (Sabbatini) missed his look at the green, instead firing into the rough, Spieth panicked and realized the golfer ahead of him would blame him for his mistake. To top it off, Morikawa all but called Sabbatini a creep, with his tendencies around the PGA Championship Champion’s girlfriend. What a series of events. And all documented on video!

(Eyeballs Emoji): Bryson DeChambeau

You smiled when you scrolled through the beginning of this column. You thought to yourself, maybe this will be the week Casey doesn’t drone on about what Bryson did this week. You were wrong. DeChambeau put himself in position to win his FOURTH Professional Golf Association event over the past 9 months, only trailing Lee Westwood for the (alleged - ignoring Waste Management) fifth major. Sunday saw early issues, with this baby drive preceding a SHANKED ball into the wilderness, leading to a double bogey. In true Bryson form, he gave us this eagle on 16 to chew on for the weeks leading up to his next start, at the WGC Match Play event. DeChambeau left an even more fascinating nugget to chip our teeth on (I’m assuming you inferred gold nugget, not chicken nugget): Bryson gained more strokes on the green than on the tee. Is a man named “Beefy Bryson” becoming a shrewd putter and a weak driver? My piece when I fall into the 9th circle of Hell

Villain Of The Week: Sergio Garcia

In stories, we need a dazzling villain to drive our plot. While part of the appreciation for golf is the spectacle of the players and the courses, a lot of it is stories. Lee Westwood’s chip on his shoulder. Jordan Spieth’s sudden return to form. One of these tales that has existed prior to my birth is that of Sergio Garcia, a polarizing player for decade, who has given fans the bird and thrown clubs at caddies and into lakes after not making birdie. Imagine Dude Perfect’s Rage Monster, but in the restrained, formal circle that is golf. When he shoots a Thursday 65, with 2 eagles, it’s fun. When he misses one of the easiest putts a player could ask for, it’s fun. When we have PERSONALITIES making noise in PGA events, it’s fun.

Day Of The Week: 3/11/20

DISCLAIMER: Although the phrase “Day Of The Week” tends to refer to one of the 7 days we cycle through. (Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, etc. for the extensive populace unfamiliar with our calendar) In this case, a specific day in human history shall be honored as the “Day Of The Week,” like how Sergio Garcia won Villain Of The Week, or how Derrick Henry (ignore the fact that he rushed for over 2,000 yards) may have won FedEx Ground Player Of The Week because the Titans’ punter worked at FedEx and the Tennessee Offensive Coordinator is the son of the founder of FedEx. This is where I need an editor: so I can blame somebody for me needing to type this 100+ word disclaimer on the “Day Of The Week” award. “C’mon Ned, ya really screwed the pooch not convincing me to give a better title for this award!” Yes, my main goal for this fictitious editor is not for them to talk me out of doing dumb stuff, but so I can blame them for NOT stopping my shenanigans. Anyhow…

March 11, 2020 was a huge day in the world of sports, plus the world of EVERYTHING. That was the day each sport shut down. So, somewhere in the wait until 3/11/21, every Sports TV Executive met and said “Hey, y’know what would be even more fun than commemorating an unfortunate event? All ramming said sucky event down everyone’s throats!” The 30 For 30 documentary was a good overarching focus of the day. After that, each network felt FOMO on making their own sad montages on the beginning of the pandemic. In honor of the Golf Channel recounting the experience, I would like to as well:

-I went to school

-I ate lunch

-I heard school was out next week.

-I thought it would be awesome

-It was not

In all seriousness, we’re almost at the home stretch of COVID-19. Let’s not dwell on the pains of this proverbial race, but look to the excitement of the finish line. Let’s pump our arms and legs to get there quicker, no matter how much it hurts. Let’s greet all our friends and family once we arrive.

Runner Up For Old British Dude Of The Week: Paul Casey

Paul Casey had one of THOSE weekends, tying for fifth in a field stacked with everyone and their father (not a figure of speech - many of the older fellows could be dads of the young guns), minus Brooks Koepka. Sadly, the “Old British Dude Bloke” room was already booked by Lee Westwood, with the underdog story of the year. Given the simplicity (read: stupidity) of my brain, there’s only one vacancy for another old guy from England making headlines. 

(Claps at a speed where Casey can’t deduce whether or not Casey At Da Bat’s condolences/praises are genuine) 

Great round Paul. 70-67-67-70 spells an awesome spell at TPC Sawgrass. I also appreciate the symmetry. Sorry that annoying ol’ Lee Westwood and his crazy ride overshadow your achievements. Congrats on the T5. The two best names, excluding Oosthuizen, share that spot on the leaderboard at the Players: Gooch and Casey.

(Ends clapping)

Fashion Statement Of The Week: Viktor Hovland

It was a quiet couple days for Viktor Hovland, missing the cut at +2. If you were to summarize Friday for the pants of the greatest Norwegian golfer ever, quiet would be an antonym of the word you would use. I’m currently starting a lawsuit against ESPN+ for not including a blindness warning. Viktor Hovland’s pants drew the ire of the EPA due to the several tangerine groves destroyed to produce said trousers. If Viktor Hovland’s pants could fly, NASA scientists would proclaim that Mars was out of orbit, arriving too early. Viktor Hovland, if this consistently being one of the best golf players in the world thing doesn’t continue to rake in the millions, has a second calling as an elementary school crossing guard, with the pants serving as the traffic cone and stop sign all in one. After much further ado, here are the pants in question.

Greedy Caddy Of The Week: Jimmy Johnson

Jimmy Johnson is not the NASCAR driver. He is not the football coach. He is a caddy. Jimmy Johnson represents me. Jimmy Johnson represents you. Jimmy Johnson represents the United States. Jimmy Johnson represents the world. Jimmy Johnson represents the solar system. I will now stop zooming out on who Jimmy Johnson represents.

Carrying Justin Thomas’ bag, Johnson’s eyebrows do not raise as the body parts directly below them take in victories, with 2 WGC wins, 2 FedEx Cup playoff events, and a major. While the Players may not be a major, they pay just like one - in fact, the payday is even MORE lucrative in Ponte Vedra. Johnson couldn’t quite remember how much would be deposited into his account in a few days. On his way out of the umm… scorecard room? he turned around like he just stuffed a mint Honus Wagner into a stack of minor league cards. He looked at a paper one last time, saw the amount for he and his pal JT and gave the exact glance of awe that I would if the Players Championship purse penetrated my savings. This is why the human element of golf is so neat: many of us are numb to the digits they pull in. Still, this money wows so many working around the game. Many were going to quit golf, until the deposit from a victory opened their wallets to the down payment on any house in America. Johnson is probably well off, as he can make bank attending events pretending to be the former title-winning coach at Miami and with the Cowboys, but moments like these remind us of the people around the PGA who provide us entertainment Thursday-Sunday, but exist 365 days a year. (Tragically, they go away on February 29th each leap year)

“Really, Now?!” Award: Henrik Stetson

Stetson pulled off an incredible achievement. On his final hole Friday, he hit an eagle. That’s an accomplishment I could never DREAM of, but not the feat in question. What made it so much more impressive than the other eagles that week? Walking onto that ultimate tee, he was +17. An ace on the Par 5 9th would slot him a mere 13 shots off the cut. 3 more of those impossible tasks, and the Swede would still have an available weekend to watch hockey/go skiing/insert other stereotypical Swedish activity. Nevertheless, Stetson found the cup in tre (three in Swedish; my typing isn’t THAT bad) strokes, one of eight eagles all week on the ninth. The performance was an unbelievable display of ridiculous success after days of consistent mediocrity. It’s like if Marie Curie got laid off from her position at a lab for poor performance, only to discover a wealth of information on radioactive decay minutes before her coworkers presented her with a going-away ice cream cake. 

Moment Of The Week: The 17th

The 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass is one of the most innovative, electric holes in golf. The island green is such an ICONIC hole, basically a green surrounded by water in every direction, forcing even the best wedge players in golf to sweat out the few seconds in which the dimples could kiss the sweet grass, or soak in the surrounding moat. So much drama is always present at the penultimate pin. Branden Grace had one of the most painful shots of the young season, nearly hitting a flower island I didn’t know existed prior to his shank. All week, my heart beat to see who was next at that tee, searching for a green that could make or break your round. Drama loomed over, with NBC playing an ad featuring Stevie Nicks’ “Edge of Seventeen” complementing some of the most high stakes shots at the Players in the event’s history. On Day 4, Justin Thomas had already shown an excellent weekend. At any other course, many golf writers might be typing up their “Justin Thomas wins the sixth major behind the Waste Management Open” pieces as Thomas walked on. Yet, you never knew what would happen there. One wet ball and Lee Westwood was catapulted back into the lead. That’s the thrill of Hole 17 at TPC Sawgrass. That’s the thrill of the Players Championship. That’s the thrill of golf.